Moms Talk: "But Mom, Dad Said I Could Do It"

It happens in every family. One parent is usually a softy, while the other lays down the law. What happens when you disagree with your spouse on child-rearing? 

This week, we asked both parents to chime in on the discussion. Don't forget to add your thoughts as well. 

Jenny Wescoat
This is a tough one. While Jason and I both love being parents and basically agree on the big-picture stuff, there are a lot of times when we disagree over small issues.  

The kids, Jason and I all know that I am the softy! I don't mess around when it comes to consequences, and my kids will tell you that I never change my mind once I've given an answer ("pleeeeease" never works, but they never stop trying!).

But my husband is definitely the one with higher expectations and stronger responses to misbehavior. I would really like to go to a Parenting with Love and Logic class with Jason. I enjoyed reading the book by the same name and have used a lot of the strategies recommended by the authors. Jason is not opposed to the methods, but it would be more effective if we were equally "bought in."

However, we talk a lot, and I can't remember a significant parenting issue where we haven't been on the same page after talking about it. Sometimes in the moment, though, we disagree on the severity of the consequence. I really respect my husband and his parenting skills. Not only can he totally manage on his own for any length of time with the kids, he's a better multitasker than I am and never stops singing my praises to the kids. He makes it pretty fun around here, too. The volume goes up substantially when he walks in the door, and I think we'd all agree that everything is more fun when he's around.  

Jason Wescoat
Far be it from me to disagree with my wife, but no, I really can’t disagree too much with her on this topic. We do agree on the essentials. Our disagreements are in the heat of moment, but outside of that, we’re a team that isn’t going to be split up by crazy antics of our crazy kids!

She’s also a softy in that she doesn’t like to punish the kids very much, and I get the “pleasure” from time to time. She’ll do it if I’m not around, but I’ll hear about it later how much she didn’t like it. I don’t enjoy it either, but I don’t let that part of it stand in the way. 

However, Jenny is also very stubborn, so if the kids want to get into a battle of wills, they’re toast with her. I’m more likely to send them to her for that sort of “punishment.”  I sometimes don’t have the patience to not get angry when those times happen.    

I’m all for the “love and logic parenting” in principle, but I’m not totally on board. Sometimes the logical response is a smack across the room, and I’m pretty sure that’s not an ideal choice. 

Also, getting to the heart of the problem isn’t always about reacting to behavior, and what I know of that plan, it doesn’t always address root causes. That doesn’t make it not very important and a useful method, just not the full story. Then again, I sometimes try to dig and my kids go off to la la land because they have no clue what I’m talking about.

Jennifer AuBuchon
Parenting with Love and Logic is a wonderful tool to use in parenting. It's based on logical consequences for addressing behaviors and teaching your kids why certain "rules" are important.  

As a teacher, I used Teaching with Love and Logic strategies as well. That said, I have never been able to fully implement those strategies because my own children have a way of "pushing my buttons" to the point where all of my knowledge flies right out the window and I end up losing my temper.  

Not a lot, but it happens. My husband seems to be the one that can stay more calm and rational which I attribute to some degree to the fact that he isn't around during the preliminary stuff that drives me crazy. We're fortunate that we don't have a ton of situations arise where we need to discipline. Our kids make pretty good choices most of the time. 

I would definitely say that our "battle of the sexes" thing is that my husband is easier on my daughter and I tend to be easier on my son. I didn't want to fall into the stereotypical "daddy's girl" and "mama's boy," but I fear it's kind of happened in some ways.  

Dave and I have discussed how we think it's sometimes due to the fact that whatever we like the least in ourselves sometimes manifests itself in our same sex offspring and thus, drives us crazy because it's a part of ourselves that drives us crazy as well. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone else?

Anyway, on the big issues, we are usually a united front. Our basic philosophies of child rearing are very similar. It's just the more day-to-day, mundane stuff that we handle differently, and that's really not that big of a deal to me.