Moms Talk: Discipline Discussions

Last week I was working from Lion's Choice, and a child was throwing the most severe tantrum I've ever seen. The kicker was that he looked to be about 8-9 years old. The screams went on for at least 20 minutes, even after the parents took him outside. I never threw a tantrum in public out of fear that my parents probably would've beaten the life out of me. A pregnant woman looked in horror, and I could see the wheels turning as to how she was going to deal with this in the near future.

This prompted me to ask our panel of experts—spank or not to spank? When your child acts up at home or in public, how do you deal? Do you treat it differently in public than what you would do at home? How is your child disciplined? Are we as a culture losing our rights to discipline children as we see fit, for fear that social services will come knocking?

Jenny Wescoat
I am by no means against spanking, but I have not found it to be my most effective discipline tool. I have definitely given my kids a swat now and then, but it tends to be a mindless, get-your-hands-out-of-your-poopy-diaper kind of thing. I also think that there is a pretty small window where spanking is effective, and we've used it sparingly. I've noticed that when I most want to spank is when I'm in a really bad mood, and I know that would be misusing it. I know that sounds horrible, but I think it's pretty common.  

I use time outs a lot when kids are little (2 to 3 years), and when kids are older I think time outs combined with some other consequence related to the crime is effective. I really like the book Parenting with Love & Logic because it challenges you to help your kids realize their bad choices instead of them just being mad at your for punishing them.  

As far as tantrums, they are difficult, especially in public. It seems like they happen most often when kids are tired and/or hungry, so I think a lot of it is offensive strategy! But if they do have one...I have found that if I can settle myself down enough to think clearly in that moment, it helps to just grab the kid and give them a really tight hug. Especially when they're little, sometimes they are just overwhelmed or exhausted and need reassuring. But if it's a power struggle or a fit because I said no, I try to just give them very little attention and get out of there if we're in public. 

My older kids are 4 and 6, and already tantrums are a rarity, but we're about to head into that territory again with my 16-month-old. So while I feel all confident as I write my views and theories this morning, you may spot me in public totally losing my cool sometime in the next few months!

Lisa May
I do not spank. I am not so much against it altogether, but it is not something that I feel I need to do. I do; however, yell, which is not good. I am working on this and feel I am making a huge improvement. No one wants, or needs to be yelled at to solve a problem. I do time-outs with my 5 year old. With her, I have actually started to do them in public. As for the older children, I take something away (tv, DS, friend time, etc.). Basically, I take what is of value to that child. Do these always work? No, but I feel they are better than threatening and not doing anything. I try to be consistant and follow through. I have also tried to discipline, talk about it and drop it. I used to dwell on things, which is not healthy for me or the children.

Are we losing the right to discipline our children? I don't think so. I try to not judge others, but I think we all can find ourselves doing so. I do see children that don't have any discipline. This is not a good thing, because they tend to act out and be disruptive in school. It is a tough area, but I think we will all have great insight!