Teaching Our Kids to Avoid Entitlement

One of the greatest challenges facing modern parents is navigating the tension between providing for our children in a way parents of previous generations couldn’t, and yet helping them avoid an attitude of entitlement. Simply put, none of us want to raise brats.

I was wandering the aisles of the Tesson Ferry branch of the St. Louis County Library when I saw a book displayed in the new books section. The Entitlement Trap by Richard and Linda Eyre is the latest from the same couple that wrote the now-classic parenting book Teaching Your Children
Values.

The book looked promising, and I hoped it would give me some guidance in a couple of areas that are often on my mind. I sometimes debate about how much responsibility to give my children at different ages, and I wonder how I can launch them on a path that helps them be their best self without being a pushy mom whose kids take no ownership over decisions.

The book by the Eyres offers many suggestions in the areas of personal finance, taking care of belongings, education and values. Personal finance, for example, is taught through a family economy, with each child doing their share in household chores to earn the money needed to buy clothing, entertainment and some food.

There were several ideas in the book that I hope to implement with my family. One area that was particularly intriguing to me was education. The Eyres encourage parents to help children think through their plans well before their final years of high school. For instance, the authors suggest that parents begin taking advantage of the opportunity to visit colleges in town or tie-in college visits with other travels to help kids envision college life when they are preteens.

In addition, the authors talk about helping children earn their college savings through the family economy, rather than simply placing money in an account for their education. When the kids see the connection between their hard work and contribution around the house and their education, they see their opportunity to earn a degree a little differently.

Another idea I liked had to do with sibling squabbles. Instead of trying to sort out who started it or other ridiculous time-wasters, the authors installed an old church pew in their house and called it the “repenting bench.” When kids came to parents with a fight, the parents sent the kids to the bench. Instead of refereeing, the parents required the kids to work it out themselves, each taking ownership, before they could get up.

I tried this with my kids. We don’t have anything as fancy as a church pew at our house, but I smacked two kitchen chairs together and plunked them down to work out a fight that happened over the winter break. It worked pretty well. They did all of the talking, were forced to think about which behaviors they each contributed to the tussle, and I had very little to do with the whole thing, except requiring them to sit until it was worked out.

The Eyres are big on structure, and a lot of their advice involves some type of goal-setting. Some of it is a little daunting for a right-brain person like me. One idea I liked, though, involved encouraging kids to set goals or envision a future relationship with their sibling. Thinking about how we would like things to be in two years might change how we behave today.

Over winter break, I also used the Eyres’ suggestion to have my kids come up with some family rules. The idea is that if the kids make up the rules, they will feel more ownership in how the family is run. I was surprised at how quickly my young kids drove down their ideas to central tenets, like “Be respectful,” and “Take turns.” My plan is to get the rules printed and laminated to display in the kitchen.

One aspect of the book was very distracting to me. At times, I felt that I was actually reading Parenting for Rich People, because many of the examples given were so far out of my league that I found myself focusing on thoughts like, “wow, they took their nine children to Bolivia?” or “I just can’t imagine being at the NBA All-Star Game” instead of the valuable point the authors were trying to make.

Overall, though, I think I may be checking this one out from the library again in the future to refresh my skills at teaching my children ownership and responsibility rather than entitlement. After all, the book makes it clear that one of the few things we should consider our children to be entitled to is an education in responsibility.