Discovering Me....

I always say, “Life is for living” but, really, I am not always very good at living this life.
Though many would doubt it, I am really not as brave and courageous as I may appear at times.

Truth is, I consistently wrestle with my sense of confidence and competence. Life has given me a good workin’ over and some days it takes its toll. I have long been determined to strengthen my weaker self and achieve some type of balance. I am strong and independent and brave and tough and determined but I am also vulnerable and need to be cared for and scared and fragile and can be complacent.

With a starting point of brokenness, for me life has been a journey of healing and self-discovery.

Books like ”Dance of the Dissident Daughter” by Sue Monk Kidd and “In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens” by Alice Walker have given me life. As my spirit grew more emboldened I found breaking the rules for “proper living” liberating. Once I danced naked in the rain under the pull of the moon. I rode my bicycle in the Naked Bike Ride (I wasn’t naked, though) and joined the “free the nipple” movement. I wear pants in the pulpit and stockings at will. Eating dessert first at a public event caused quite a stir among those at my table—it was hilarious and grievous at the same time and made me more determined to live free.

In a quest to become braver and more courageous and more free I set off on an adventure across the state, camped in the woods, hiked unfamiliar trails, and kayaked—all on my own.

Healing my little-girl-self, I ventured to my mother’s grave for the first time as an adult. I sat for hours crying alligator tears having a long over-due conversation about my life.

Affirming my competencies I finished a Master’s Degree, having at one time never imagined I would even go to college, and entered a Doctorate program the same year. Unbelievable! Before the summer is over I will have taught my first class in a seminary and will be well on my way to authoring my first scholarly book.

I have traveled across the country preaching and engaging community.

I’ve crawled over fences, been tear-gassed and pepper sprayed. I’ve stood toe-to-toe with police in riot gear—made me cuss like a sailor on the seven seas and pray like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.

I have been a judge at a Battle Rap competition (WTW!?!), grubbed with gang members and been loved on by church mothers.

I have been warmly embraced, painfully rejected, powerfully encouraged and sharply criticized.

As exciting as my life is and has been I am restless and curious. At times I am lonely and at other times am glad to be alone.

In the middle of a pleasant day dream I begin to wonder—will being alone be the story of my life? I wonder if I am really, in some way, too much and other ways not enough—and then I growl at myself for measuring my value by the opinion and acceptance and rejection and desires of a man.

I sometimes find myself wondering if I am smart enough to complete a Doctorate degree—and then I remind myself

I felt this way with both my undergrad and Master’s. I tell myself that “smart” and “knowledge” are not the same—the education process is to gain the knowledge and smart is how we use what is gained.

And I sigh.

And I wonder, “Will I ever be healed of life’s stuff?”

And I answer, “Yes, yes you will….you are healing and you will continue to heal.”

As I started out on this week’s adventures I was irritated to be alone—I wanted someone to talk to about what I was seeing. I almost talked myself out of continuing when (what I understand to be God’s Spirit) I was able to say to myself, “Girl, there are people everywhere you go! All you got to do it talk to them!” And so I did!

This week’s adventures brought me into contact with amazing women. Each woman lives life through a different context—business owner, full-time mother, retirees and executives. There was common thread weaving through our stories—we struggle with the complexities of life. Even at the Lincoln Museum there was a strong influence of the presence of women and stories of their struggles.

In some area of our lives we struggle for worth, value, importance, purpose, competencies, health, and wellness. We struggle with loneliness, rejections, grief, unrealistic expectations, and stereotypes. At times we feel awkward, uncomfortable and emotional.

We are seemingly successful in our industries—yet we struggle.

It is good to struggle. Being willing to struggle is to defiantly reject the hand that’s been dealt. Struggling is determination to become—in spite of. Struggling builds strength and character. It is easy to say, “This is just who I am—deal with it,” but such a stand would deny the opportunity for growth. Struggling for life—as a shoot pushes through the earth—is holy work.

I started out on adventures this week expecting to learn something new about myself. Instead, what I learned is that I am a woman—I am an emerging and whole, complete woman:

Bold and timid
Focused and Fluttery
Brave and scared
Direct and ambiguous
Assured and nervous
Talkative and tongue-tied
Confident and unsure
Determined and complacent
Successful and struggling

And there’s nothing wrong with being me.