Sometimes, I Just Don't Wanna

Stubbornness. A don’t-tell-me attitude. Yep, that’s me. Blame it on my red roots and Irish blood. Blame it on parents that were too-absent at a too-early age. Either way, it's there, it's embedded. It’s my continuous defect, my down-fall, my “I’m working on it” … it’s what made this month's virtue so difficult to absorb.

Throughout the month of August, the children at Morning Star Church are learning all about the gift of Grace … not the “fold your hands before a meal” type, but the “getting something great, that you don’t deserve” kind. 

Last weekend, as the group leaders talked and discussed about Grace to the tiny tykes, I sat crisscross-applesauce with elbows on knees and chin in hands, soaking up the lessons right alongside the children. Sitting there, I realized I have no problem with getting something great that I didn’t deserve. (I mean, who would?) And I suddenly became deeply thankful for all those people throughout my life that have provided me Grace when I’ve messed up … and I’ve messed up quite a bit. (Quite a lot actually.) To think that those people have forgiven me and all my quirks ... they have forgiven my past so I can look to the future and become better. To think how much each of us break the rules almost daily and, despite those mess-ups, God is there waiting to give us forgiveness and Grace, to offer us eternal life … amazing stuff, huh?

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. (Ephesians 1:7)

However, the conversation then turned to our own actions … how we treat others, how we need to provide Grace to those who are undeserving. And there it was. My arms quickly crossed, my lips pursed, and I almost swear the following words were uttered under my breath … “But I don’t WANNA.”

Why should I have to forgive and be generous when I know he's just going to continue to hurt me? I don’t wanna forgive him for the harsh words, I don’t wanna forgive her for bruising my ego … There are those that have hurt, ignored, forgotten, or cut me off on Highway 70 only to then drive 10 miles under the speed limit … I just don’t wanna.

While in the midst of my internal tantrum, I realized that not only was I sitting amongst children, but my spiritual journey was also right there with them. I was stalled in an "infancy stage," a stage of selfishness. I wanted all that God could give me … but unwilling to give it in return to others. So now what?

Well, have you ever learned a lesson, but were too stubborn to acknowledge it … or act on it? (Yeah, me neither.) But for some reason, I just couldn't get away from all this Grace talk. Sunday night, after I made the "it's shower time" announcement and braced for the groans, I was met with a different response. Our littlest one announced he's now always going to take a shower before his big brother, because it was how he could show Grace and be nice like God. Huh. And then last night, while having dinner with some friends one of them announced they were getting a tattoo. Of what, you ask? "Because of Grace our sins are forgiven."

Wow. Okay, okay … I got it. I guess if my five-year old can show Grace to his brother, it's time for me to act on the lesson He's put in front of me (over, and over.) I’m not saying I’m going run out and get a tattoo … though a permanent fixture on my skin probably would help me remember better ... but I’m now going to try to give what I've been given ... Grace.

I’m going to work on forgiving, on saying “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong,” on waving all my fingers instead of just one when someone cuts me off on Highway 70. 

Of course, I know I will mess up again … I’m not perfect. But neither is anyone else. They have their own issues, their own “bad days,” their own “funk” going on … and I need to not add to that funk, but give them Grace … to forgive them for the things they can't undo in the past, and to allow them to become better for the future … for God.