Talking with your parents or a loved one about their aging needs can be a daunting task. Family dynamics determines the ease or difficulty in approaching the topic. Planning ahead, before care is needed, is always the best time to start. However, even if you are in the middle of a crisis it’s not too late, just remember to approach the conversation calmly. An easy way to start the conversation is by turning the focus away from your loved one and onto yourself. Such as, “I realized I need to update my Will and Durable Power of Attorney. Where do you keep your Will and important papers?” If you are not in a crisis, you can talk to your parents about a neighbor or friend needing more help at home and ask you parents what they would like for their future.
There are many signs that signal an elder may need more help and it is time for the conversation now. Some of the signs are a decline in health, increased trips to the doctors or emergency room, frequent falls, a gradual or sudden change in mood or behavior, changes in personal appearance, and increased memory loss or confusion. If you notice any of these signs, sit down with your parents or loved one. Express that you are worried about them and that you need to know they are okay.
However you decide to approach the topic, there are several important questions to ask. First, make sure your loved one has a Will, a Durable Power of Attorney, a Health Care Proxy if they live in MA and a Health Care Agent if they live in NH, ask if they have any Long Term Care Health Insurance policies and where all these important papers are kept.
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Talk with your parents about what is most important to them if they are ever in need extra help. Are they willing to move into other types of housing, such as a retirement community or assisted living? Do they want to remain in their own home? Some elders assume their children will take care of all of their needs. However this is often an impossible expectation. Whether an adult child visits daily or an elder moves in with their adult children, the elder often requires additional care and supports. There are many care options available. It is important to know what matters most to the elder so that their needs can be respected. Once you start the conversation, remember to listen to the elder’s choices. Take small steps. Do your research. A good place to start is with your local designated Area on Aging. In Massachusetts you can call your local Elder Services and in New Hampshire, start by calling ServiceLink. These agencies can be a good starting point to determine if you are eligible for any free or reduced cost services. A local senior center may provide activities or transportation options. An elder law attorney, financial planner, or Geriatric Care Manager are also great resources. An elder law attorney can assist in setting up trusts and planning to protect assets should they ever need to enter a nursing home. A Geriatric Care Manager is a professional in the field of aging and will know all of the local resources. A Care Manager saves you time, alleviates stress, can save money over the course of the care plan.
