Owner Barbee Carano Being Held Hostage;
Normal Menu Replaced with Heavy Burrito Format
Portsmouth, NH – After announcing its intentions in a manifesto on January 17th, the Burrito Liberation Front has made good on its pledge to take over a Seacoast eatery. On Tuesday, The Pao Café in Newmarket, a local favorite which normally features exotic Brazilian cheesebread sandwiches, was ransacked by masked men and women wielding spatulas and shouting in a language that was unintelligible to both English- and Spanish-speakers on the scene.
Pao Café proprietor Barbee Carano was taken hostage, while her husband Matt has been pressed into labor by the renegades. The BLF’s leader, who goes by the name El Chefé but is said to bear a striking resemblance to Seacoast musician and epicure Andrew May, bellowed to the crowd of spectators, “Today is a historic day. I hereby proclaim this establishment ‘Burrito!’ From the humble town of Newmarket, we will create the best burritos ever served on the Seacoast. So help me frijoles!"
El Chefé declined to answer questions from reporters, saying only, “All of my thoughts, hopes and dreams are wrapped in a warm tortilla."
At press time, The Pao Café A.K.A. ‘Burrito!' is open for business weekly from Wed-Sun 11am - 7pm. Burritos are going for $7-$9, and are accompanied by a selection of beverages and desserts.
