Patton: NH Criminals Are Quirky, Too

New Hampshire has a well-deserved reputation as a quirky state. Out-of-staters tend to see us as droll, penny-pinching, taciturn, non-conformists. We are not your average kind of folks. Well then, is there any reason why our criminals should be dull, everyday, ordinary felons? No, our crooks are uncommon, unconventional, and odd. Let me give you a few examples.

Recently, an Epping man was charged with chasing a Chester man around his backyard with a running chainsaw (New Hampshire Union-Leader, 3/5/15). Well, that’s peculiar enough, but the way the Brentwood man saw it, he was simply protecting himself with the chainsaw. In a highly creative legal defense, he claimed that the Chester man had previously been threatening him with pepper spray. Remind me not to join either one of these guys for a backyard barbeque.

When the police arrived on the scene, the chain-saw bearer fled into the woods with the police in hot pursuit. Can you blame the poor man? He knew that the police also carry pepper spray, so he had to escape them, too. It’s a wonder he didn’t have the police arrested.

Then, there is the case of the man who decided that wearing a hoodie, ski mask and sunglasses was way too conventional clothing for a bank robber. When he pulled off a heist of a Rochester bank, the holdup man was wearing “a light colored hat or bandana, black rimmed glasses, white shirt and a zebra print dress with a black overcoat” (WMUR, 10/24/14). I guess he just wanted to blend in with the crowd so no one would notice him. However, apparently, the poor guy wasn’t used to wearing women’s clothing. Instead of wearing tan nylons on his legs, he pulled them over his face. Well, that’s an easy mistake to make.

Our next suspect is to be pitied too because he seems to have both hearing and memory problems. The police went to the home of a Merrimack man when neighbors complained that he was playing loud music (New Hampshire Union-Leader, 4/13/15). The guy turned down the music, and was given just a disorderly conduct warning by the police. Everybody’s happy, right? “Okay, folks, go back to bed. Nothing to see here.”

But, here’s where the man’s memory problems came into play. Apparently, he forgot all about the visit from the police. The next day, there were more complaints about loud noise. This time, the police could hear the music from 700 yards away. That’s almost one-half mile. Sheesh, he must be hard of hearing, too, in addition to being forgetful. Maybe the neighbors should take up a collection and buy him a hearing aid, maybe two of them. He’s really hard of hearing. Same deal. The police talk to him; he turns down the music; the police go away.

The next day, a repeat performance. This time, the long-suffering cops return to his home with a warrant for his arrest for disorderly conduct. Were the police too hard on a person with possible hearing and memory problems? Oh, we might add something else to his difficulties - he doesn’t seem to be too bright, either.

You’ve heard of someone stealing candy from a baby? Who would do such a thing? Well, here in New Hampshire, someone stole money from Girl Scouts who were selling cookies. “A group of Girl Scouts selling cookies outside a New Hampshire business had their cash box stolen Friday night by a man who escaped in a waiting getaway car, according to police (The Smoking Gun, 3/30/15). The suspects didn’t get too far, however. They abandoned the getaway car, and fled on foot. Later, two of the three suspects were picked up by the police. None of the Girl Scouts were injured. “Be prepared” is the Girl Scout motto, and I’ll bet they dealt with this situation just fine, and probably made a little profit, too, when people heard about the robbery and felt sorry for them.

Stealing money from Girl Scouts? How low can you get? Now, I can understand snitching a Thin Mint, Tagalong or Samoa when no one is looking. Ooh, those Samoas are so good. How could you resist?

Gary Patton is the author of “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire.” Outtastatahs” can be purchased on-line at Amazon.com or at local bookstores in Concord, Portsmouth, Exeter, and Hampton. Patton’s second book, a satirical novel entitled ”Selling Mt. Washington” will be available this summer.