Patton: The Comic World Of Presidential Politics

Why Ben Carson never discovered America. Presidential candidate Ben Carson has come out strongly against the immigration of Syrian refugees to the United States. And, it’s likely a good thing, too, because Heaven knows where those people might end up if Carson were in charge of re-locating them.

Carson’s statement in which he rejected the refugees was accompanied by a map showing which states were willing to take refugees and which ones weren’t. The only problem was that Carson’s map was badly in error.

According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer (11/18/2015),

• “Maine is moved far north into the Gulf of St. Lawrence, displacing portions of the Canadian provinces of New Brunswick and Quebec and presumably adding such cities as Rimouski and Riviere-du Loup to the United States.

• “Upstate New York and Vermont suddenly have coastlines on the Atlantic Ocean. Climate scientists have warned of rising sea levels on Long Island but never to the extent that Connecticut would be pushed aside and that Vermont’s eastern border would (be) the ocean rather than the Connecticut River.

• “Massachusetts, New Hampshire and Maine are stacked south-to-north by themselves, with no New York or Vermont on their western boundaries.”

What could have caused such mistakes? How could Carson , a retired neurosurgeon who knew his way so well around the human brain, have become so disoriented? As President, might Carson mistakenly send troops to Tajikistan instead of Turkmenistan? To Kyrgyzstan instead of Uzbekistan?

The error was made all the worse by its timing. “The big-scale blooper - it involved New Hampshire, site of the first presidential primary - occurred during the midst of Geography Awareness Week. The week is an annual observance prompted by Americans’ ignorance of locations here and abroad and designed to ‘raise awareness to this dangerous deficiency in American education.’” (Seattle Post-Intelligencer, 11/18/2015).

Sorry, Dr. Carson, you’ll have to report to detention to study world geography.

What is the sound of no hands clapping? According to BuzzFeed (11/4/2015), “Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley’s campaign released a new ad attacking Hillary Clinton on gun policy. . . In the ad, O’Malley’s line is met with thunderous applause: But here’s how it sounded in the original clip of his speech to the U.S. Conference of mayors in June 2015. It was an applause line, but . . . not anywhere as loud as the ad:

“A spokesperson from the O’Malley campaign said she did not know if the applause had been added in and asked for time to check. She did not respond to a follow-up request for comment.”

To which we might ask, “What is the sound of a campaign aide asked an embarrassing question?” The answer: total silence.

Recent technological advances in campaign buffoonery. Let’s admit it. Most political conventions are largely pep rallies designed to stir up followers. So, a good deal of gimmickry is involved which provides a delightful opportunity for grown men and women to act childish. In the early days, torch light parades filled the streets with chanting and singing supporters. Nowadays, balloons descend from the ceilings of convention halls, and speeches are met not only with applause, but also the odious sound of “thundersticks,” sausage-like, vinyl balloons which when hit together repeatedly, produce a series of sharp cracking sounds annoying enough to drive teetotalers to heavy drink.

A recent meeting of the New Hampshire Democratic Party featuring its presidential candidates showcased yet another toy for attendees - “glow sticks,” soft, vinyl tubes which when activated produce a bright, eerie, blue glow. What could be more fun? In the midst of Hillary Clinton’s speech, the room lights dimmed; a thousand glow sticks were activated; and a myriad of ersatz Jedi warriors supporting Hillary, hooted, flailed their imitation light sabers, and imagined themselves fending off invisible intruders from the Dark Side. Folks hadn’t had this much fun since 3rd Grade.

As the song lyrics warn us, “the days dwindle down to a precious few ...” Christmas is drawing nearer and nearer. If you would like a modestly-priced novel about New Hampshire politics as a Christmas gift for a friend or relative who likes politics, let me suggest my newest book, “Selling Mt. Washington” This satirical novel explores in comic fashion the murky wheeling and dealing of the New Hampshire political world. Will the state legislature approve wind turbines on iconic Mt. Washington? Will a clueless and clumsy “outtastatah” (out of stater) named Charlie Beezer win election to the NH State Senate and astound the political world by defeating the bill? (maybe, maybe not).

“Selling Mt. Washington” is now available in Portsmouth at the River Run Bookstore , Discover Portsmouth, and Tugboat Alley. In Exeter, this book can be obtained at The Water Street Bookstore and The Country Store at RiverWoods. In Hampton, look for it at the Galley Hatch gift shop. In North Hampton, it is available at “The Book Outlet.” In Concord, “Selling Mt. Washington” can be found at Gibson’s Bookstore. It is also available on-line at Amazon.com. Patton is also the author of “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire.”