Patton: NH Political Bloopers

Observers from other countries are puzzled and taken aback by the carnival-like atmosphere that surrounds our election of the American president. We have raucous rallies and parades, pranksters who play practical jokes on political opponents, and national party conventions featuring huge, partisan, roaring crowds and delegates dressed outlandish costumes.

As if that weren’t enough, the tension and pressure on the candidates leading up to our primary creates more than a few inadvertent comical missteps and blunders. For example, a Hampton couple was nearly crushed by a media scrum following an appearance of Hillary Clinton at a local brewery.

“The morning of the event - a roundtable discussion about small businesses at the locally-owned Smuttynose Brewing Company - (Gary and Lenore Patton) arrived early, helped set up, and secured the best spot in the house: Front row, first two seats.” (Buzzfeed, 5/25/15).

“For about an hour, the Pattons and the five other dozen guests watched Clinton, alongside her seven roundtable participants, discuss in granular detail the challenges facing small businesses.

“And then the spell of the everyday was broken. Clinton was swarmed by reporters. From the aisle, pressed up against a wall of beer cases stacked to the ceiling on pallet shelves, they gathered in a thick circle that happened to coalesce right around the best two seats in the house. Lenore and Gary Patton could not talk to the candidate they had come to see. They could not even get out of their chairs.

“Cameras flashed wildly, Lenore was crunched. Gary had a tape recorder in his right ear, a television camera in his left, and microphones just overhead. They were inches from Clinton. with her ‘in the eye of the hurricane.’ as Gary put it . . .”

Close physical contact played a role at another event here in New Hampshire. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush gave an unexpected shoulder massage to a surprised woman in Salem. Shades of former President George W. Bush’s famous encounter with German chancellor Angela Merkel. While walking unseen behind Chancellor Merkel’s chair , George W suddenly stopped and from the rear, began to rub a startled Merkel’s shoulders. Apparently, rubbing a strange woman’s shoulders is not a commonly-accepted practice in Germany. Merkel gave a tiny shriek and reflexively raised her arms before regaining her composure.

Apparently, Jeb Bush didn’t learn from his older brother’s experience. “Salem New Hampshire Chamber of Commerce President Donna Morris experienced an unexpected shoulder rub from likely Republican presidential hopeful Jeb Bush during this afternoon’s meet-and-greet.” (CNN, 5/21/15)

Nevertheless, in this circumstance, Jeb still fared somewhat better than George W. did. Morris had been rushing to introduce Bush, and was out of breath when she stepped to the microphone. She gamely ad libbed a joke about Bush to explain her breathlessness. “You take my breath away.” Jeb then reassured her by unexpectedly rubbing her shoulders.

One of Rand Paul’s staffers apparently has developed a taste for photography. “National outlets began reporting Monday that David Chesley, Paul’s political director in New Hampshire, licked the camera of a tracker belonging to American Bridge at an event Paul was speaking at Monday.” (cn/2, 5/11/15).

A tracker is a videographer hired by an opponent who films the remarks of a political candidate hoping the candidate will slip up and say something that can be used against him or her. Needless to say, a tracker is not beloved by either the speaker or staff members. Nevertheless, the tracker cannot be denied access to public events.

“In a video posted online by American Bridge, Paul’s staffer blocks the camera shot and then strangely grins and licks the camera.” Who knows? Perhaps, the staffer was hungry for attention.

Finally, we might ask if candidate Scott Walker is ready to be the captain of our ship of state. “Walker was one of four GOP speakers aboard the 230-foot, 800-ton cruise boat Mt. Washington. The outing was sponsored by the Belknap County Republican Party and attended by roughly 500 people. Walker was delayed getting to the event, so the boat returned to its pier in mid-cruise to pick him up.” (Milwaukee Journel Sentinel (5/29./15).

We might wonder what would have happened if George Washington had been late and missed his boat crossing the Delaware River at the Battle of Trenton. Better get a better watch, Gov. Walker, or you’ll be left high and dry in the presidential race.

Ah, what would we do without a little comedy to leaven those long, boring political speeches?

Gary Patton is the author of “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire.” “Outtastatahs” can be purchased at Amaxon.com and local bookstores in Concord, Portsmouth, Exeter, and Hampton. Patton’s second book, a political satire entitled “Selling Mt. Washington” will be available this summer.