Patton: 'O Canada' - Leave U.S. Alone

By their reputation, Canadians are polite, friendly, and mild-mannered. Yet, through no particular fault of their own, our northern neighbors keep inserting themselves into our presidential campaign.

Donald Trump has claimed that Ted Cruz is ineligible to be president of the United States because he was born to an American mother in Calgary, Alberta. Trump says Cruz is not a U.S. citizen. Oh, come now, Donald, at the very least Cruz deserves honorary American citizenship for having the good sense to leave behind the freezing Alberta winters.

Then, not to be outdone by Trump’s plan to build a “huge” wall between Mexico and the United States to screen out illegal immigrants, former presidential candidate Scott Walker proposed that a wall be built between Canada and the U.S. Where did Walker get such a novel idea? From us, from people in New Hampshire.

“Some people have asked us about that in New Hampshire. They raised some very legitimate concerns, including some law enforcement folks that brought that up to me at one of our town hall meetings about a week and a half ago. So that is a legitimate issue for us to look at.” (CNN, 8/31/2015).

What could cause penny-pinching Granite Staters to pay for a wall covering in some fashion our lengthy 5, 525 mile-long border with Canada? Perhaps, natives are concerned about terrorists crossing the border. Steven Shehori considers this possibility (Huffington Post, 9/4/2015). “they may be concerned about Islamic terrorists swooping down from the north and laying waste to (New Hampshire’s) way of life. Which to date has occurred a harrowing, nerve-wracking zero times.”

Personally, I think skinflint Granite Staters would rather die than pay for a wall.

Lawrence Downes (New York Times, 2/15/16) actually tested the security of our state’s border with Canada. “The crossing signs warned of moose, not aliens. . . . I encountered a wily Canadian, a border agent who tried, through friendliness, to rob me of my suspicions.

L.D.: Do I need a passport to get in and out? Because I forgot mine.

W.C. : The border was back there at the top of the hill.

L.D. I’m in Canada? I am so sorry.

W.C.: That’s O.K. What are you going to do now?

L.D. I don’t know. Get lunch?

W.C. There’s a nice town up the road called Coaticook. Would you like a map?”

This is worse than I thought. Forget about terrorists. Can you imagine legions of amiable Canadians pouring across our border undermining and destroying the traditional tight-lipped, taciturn ways of New Hampshire people?

As if all this weren’t bad enough, now I’ve discovered that Canadian cities are pretending to be American. Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio’s campaign produced a television ad featuring scenic views of an attractive city.

“It’s morning again in America,” the ad begins with shots of a harbor, busy city street and serene suburban neighborhood. “Today, more men and women are out of work than ever before in our nation’s history.” (Boston Globe, 2/17/2016)

The ad’s a take-off on Ronald Reagan’s famous “It’s morning again in America” advertisement. Only one problem - it’s not an American city. “It’s unmistakably Vancouver,” the Vancouver Sun reported on Monday, pointing out the presence of city landmarks like the Harbour Centre tower and the cranes of Port Metro Vancouver.

The tugboat even appears to be sporting a small Canadian flag.”

Hmm, I am little unnerved by the idea of Marco Rubio guarding our borders if his campaign can’t even detect a boat flying a foreign flag. On the other hand, we’re used to dealing with implacable enemies like the North Korea, ISIS, and Russia. Perhaps , we should be more concerned about amiable Canadians conquering our nation with friendliness, eh?.

Gary Patton is the author of two books, “Selling Mt. Washington,” a political satire about New Hampshire politics, and “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire, “ a humorous account of the struggles of newcomers to this state. Both books are now available in Portsmouth at the River Run Bookstore , Discover Portsmouth, and Tugboat Alley. In Exeter, these books can be obtained at The Water Street Bookstore and the Country Store at RiverWoods. In Hampton, look for them at the Galley Hatch gift shop. In North Hampton, both are available at “The Book Outlet.” In Concord, these books can be found at Gibson’s Bookstore. They are also available on-line at Amazon.com.