Patton: Presidential Candidates Keep Doing Wacky Things

The current administration has announced that a woman will appear on the new $10 bill to be issued in 2020. According to the rules, this woman must be a dead American. Dead people are preferred in this sort of situation as they can be counted on not to do anything new that might make their selection appear foolish.

Suppose Benedict Arnold had appeared on American currency before he defected to the British during the Revolutionary War. The “boot monument” at Saratoga National Historical Park attempts to deal with the Benedict Arnold problem. The statue displays only Arnold’s boot in recognition of the wound to the leg he suffered while serving with the Continental Army. The rest of his body is omitted to signify condemnation of him for changing sides to the British. We certainly don’t want to start modifying a living woman’s image on the $10 bill to take account her bad behavior after the bill was first issued.

As part of the last Republican presidential debate, candidates were asked who they thought should appear on the new $10 bill. Some of the answers were reasonable and thoughtful. Rand Paul suggested women’s rights advocate Susan B. Anthony. Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio proposed African-American civil rights champion Rosa Parks. Chris Christie recommended Revolutionary War heroine Abigail Adams and Scott Walker chose Red Cross founder Clara Barton. Bravo, gentlemen. Worthy choices.

However, other selections were more puzzling. Some candidates displayed commendable admiration for female members of their families, apparently not checking to see if they were still alive, a happy condition which nonetheless excludes them from the selection process. Mike Huckabee chose his wife. Ben Carson selected his mother. Donald Trump proposed his daughter Ivanka. With all due respect to these undoubtedly worthy women, Americans might be excused for drawing a blank if they saw Huckabee’s wife, Carson’s mother, or Trump’s daughter on the $10 bill. “Just who is this woman?” (Undoubtedly, Trump would use his fortune and skills as a showman to make sure that in short order Ivanka was as well known as Taylor Swift, Beyonce, or Serena Williams.)

Other responses seemed to come from fevered brains desperate for an answer, any answer. Jeb Bush proposed former British prime minister Margaret Thatcher. John Kasich selected Albanian-born Mother Theresa, a saintly advocate for poor, sickly, and disabled people. Apparently, Bush and Kasich had secret information not available to the rest of us that (surprise) not only were Thatcher and Mother Theresa Americans, but both are still alive. Good news all around, particularly for America, as apparently we can now claim two world-famous citizens who have risen from the grave.

Perhaps, the strangest answer of all came from Carly Fiorina who now holds the world record for a jaw-dropping non-sequitur. Fiorina said that the $10 bill should be left as it is. “Instead, every woman should be given the opportunity ‘to live the life she chooses.’” (The Guardian, 9/16/2015) Whatever that means.

Possibly, had we had it in hand, we could use that crisp, new $10 bill to bet on the next bar fight between Marco Rubio and Rand Paul staffers. As seen on video, Rich Beeson, deputy campaign manager for Marco Rubio, punched John Yob, a Rand Paul aide, while the two were in a bar in Mackinac Island, Michigan. Yob said that he would press charges against Beeson.

Mackinac Island Police Chief Brett Riccinto told CNN that an investigation was continuing to determine exactly what took place. “Any time you’re at a bar past midnight things seem to get misconstrued as to what happened. (CNN, 9/18/2015).”

Truer words were never spoken, Chief Riccinto. I’ll drink to that. But only when safely at home before midnight.

What happens when a corporation tries to use political influence to install wind turbines on iconic Mt. Washington to take advantage of the high wings there? Gary Patton has recently published a political satire about wheeling and dealing in New Hampshire politics entitled “Selling Mt. Washington.” “Selling Mt. Washington” is now available in Portsmouth at the River Run Bookstore , Discover Portsmouth, and Tugboat Alley. In Exeter, this book can be obtained at The Water Street Bookstore and the Country Store at RiverWoods. In Hampton, look for it at the Galley Hatch gift shop. In North Hampton, it is available at “The Book Outlet.” In Concord, “Selling Mt. Washington” can be found at Gibson’s Bookstore. It is also available on-line at Amazon.com. Patton is also the author of “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire.”