Patton: Rand Paul and Jeb Bush Turn To Humor

As Donald Trump would be the first to tell you, presidential candidates entertain voters, often with humor, to get their votes. So, both Rand Paul and Jeb Bush have turned to this time-honored tradition. (Rand Paul photo by Gage Skidmore)

For the third straight year, Rand Paul has circulated his List of Grievances. The List of Grievances is part of Festivus, a phony holiday concocted in 1966 by “Seinfeld” writer Dan O’Keefe which is designed to mock the commercialism of the Christmas holidays.

Festivus includes Feats of Strength in which a guest must wrestle and pin the host in order for the holiday to end; easily explained events which are labeled “Festivus miracles”; a Festivus dinner consisting of meat loaf on a bed of lettuce; and a bare aluminum pole which is used for decoration. Not the least of the events included within Festivus is the Airing of Grievances, Frank Costanza, George Costanza’s father on “Seinfeld,” explains the Airing of Grievances this way, “I got a lotta problems with you people, and you’re going to hear about it.”

Rand Paul aims his list of grievances at his fellow presidential candidates. Paul believes that Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, secretly supports his birthplace because Cruz refuses to declare that Canadian bacon is not real bacon. Paul mocks Donald Trump because Trump keeps trying to give the other candidates ties bearing the Trump brand which are made in China.

Chris Christie makes the grievance list because Christie, the Governor of New Jersey, wildly celebrated a Dallas Cowboy victory while attending a game at New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium. Paul takes Marco Rubio to task for frequently missing votes in the Senate. Paul Tweeted, “To my absentee friend @MarcoRubio. I didn’t put your $170K+ salary in my waste report today. But I could have.” (CNN, 12/23/2015).

Jeb Bush is teased by Paul for lackluster debate performances. “@Jeb Bush is always trying to change the debate rules to allow extra time for his awkward pauses. “(CNN, 12/23/2015). Ben Carson, however, escapes criticism because, according to Paul, Carson speaks so softly during debates, he can hear nothing of what Carson says.

Democrats do not escape Paul’s ridicule. Paul said of “democratic socialist” Bernie Sanders, “To my comrade @SenSanders: Unless you’re Santa Claus, socialism runs out of other people’s money.” (CNN, 12/23/2015).

Paul was not above resorting to 4th Grade “potty humor” when he criticized Hillary Clinton for taking too long to go to the bathroom during a Democratic debate. Paul said that Carly Fiorina gets back on time.

Paul does not always get off unscathed. One year, when he poked fun at Democratic senator Corey Booker, Booker replied, “SHAVE YOUR HEAD (like Booker does). Those curls are offensive. Plus, if you’re running for higher office, you’ll be far more aerodynamic.” (MarketWatch, 12/24/2015).

Jeb Bush has attempted humor to enliven his listless campaign. He tried physical humor. In Raymond, NH, when he saw someone taking his picture, he said “Are you taking a photo bomb?”, then struck a goofy pose. (New York Times, 12/25/2015). Bush tried word play. In Manchester, NH, he was asked if he drew inspiration from other members of the distinguished Bush family. Bush replied, “Do you mean Marvin or Neil?,” citing two unknown relatives. “ (New York Times, 12/25/2015).

When a reporter asked on Twitter if Bush could help her clean up her messy room, he gave a tongue-in-cheek reply using standard Republican talking points about personal initiative. “I will empower you to take personal responsibility. It will be liberating. You will feel good about yourself. You will then live a life of purpose and meaning.” (New York Times, 12/25/2015).

Bush’s funniest moment was unintended. A mock weather forecast featuring Bush pointing at a green screen seemed harmless enough. But then Reddit users armed with Photoshop got hold of the image of Bush with his arm extended. In short order, Bush could be widely seen pushing over the Leaning Tower of Pisa, stifling a sneeze by President Obama, ruling a disco dance floor, and reaching for Adam’s finger in Michelangelo’s “The Creation of Adam” on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

So what should we make of all these attempts at humor? Even if they aren’t very funny, at least they help preserve candidates’ sanity as they endure the arduous marathon run for the presidency.

Gary Patton is the author of two books, “Selling Mt. Washington,” a political satire about New Hampshire politics, and “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire, “ a humorous account of the struggles of newcomers to this state. Both books are now available in Portsmouth at the River Run Bookstore , Discover Portsmouth, and Tugboat Alley. In Exeter, these books can be obtained at The Water Street Bookstore and the Country Store at RiverWoods. In Hampton, look for them at the Galley Hatch gift shop. In North Hampton, both are available at “The Book Outlet.” In Concord, these books can be found at Gibson’s Bookstore. They are also available on-line at Amazon.com.