Patton: Send In The Clowns

Memory Problems. In 2012, Gov. Rick Perry of Texas became famous, or perhaps notorious, when during a televised debate, he said that he would eliminate three federal agencies, but then could only remember two of them. “Oops,” he concluded after an agonizing silence. The mistake made Perry seem, well, a little slow-witted, so this time around in 2015 in his second run for the presidency, he wore glasses to erase that impression and make himself look more intelligent.

You might think that candidates would learn from Perry’s mistake and never attempt to remember lists of things while on camera. Either Ted Cruz wasn’t paying attention to Perry’s dilemma, or his memory is so bad that he couldn’t even remember what he should never try to remember.

In any case, Perry fell through the same trap door. Christopher Rugaber and Josh Roark (Associated Press, 11/11/15) wrote “Cruz, holding out his hand and unfolding one finger at a time to punctuate his point: “Five major agencies that I would eliminate: the IRS (his thumb), the Department of Commerce (index finger), the Department of Energy (middle finger) , uh, the Department of Commerce (ring finger) and HUD (pinkie).”

Now, even if your math skills are minimal, you may notice that Cruz named only four agencies, not the five he promised, citing the Department of Commerce twice. Apparently, Cruz hates the Department of Commerce so much that he wants to be doubly sure to get rid of it.

Trump’s Eyesight Exceeds Even That of Sarah Palin. In 2008, to the astonishment and bemusement of all, Sarah Palin claimed that she could see Russia from her home in Alaska. Even Superman (or Superwoman in this age of political correctness) might not be able to do that. Donald Trump topped that. He claimed that he personally met Vladimir Putin.

“I got to know him very well because we were both on ‘60 Minutes’,’ we were stable mates. We did well that night.” (CNN, 11/11/2015).

That comment seems to imply that Trump and Putin were in the same location. Actually, Putin was in Russia at the time, while Trump was in New York. Was Trump, like Superman with X-ray vision, able to use his steely gaze to see through buildings, mountains, and forests all the way to Russia to see Putin? Like Plastic Man, did Trump extend his elastic arm across the continents to give Putin a friendly hug? Apparently, Donald Trump is not only a presidential candidate, he is a superhero.

Memory Problems Appear To Be Contagious. Jeb Bush was trying to make a point and used Bernie Sanders plan to provide free college education as an example. His message: If Americans increasingly rely upon government to solve their personal financial problems, the whole country will slowly become bankrupt.

To underline this argument, Bush used the fable of the frog in the kettle of slowly-warming water. And it was at this point that his memory gave way.

Ashley Parker (New York Times, 11/18/15) summarized Bush’s problem. “It’s like the crabs in the, you know, whatever - the crabs in the boiling water,’ Mr. Bush tried.

“’Frogs,” an audience member shouted, helpfully.

“The frogs,” Mr. Bush continued. “You think it’s warm, and it feels pretty good and then it feels like you’re in a whirlpool - you know a Jacuzzi or something.

“He concluded with a morbid twist. ‘And then you’re dead. That’s how this works.”

Well, it appears Jeb Bush, not to mention the frog or possibly the crab, got himself in a little hot water with his garbled story.

Black Friday is almost upon us, complete with bustling crowds of shoppers and brightly-lit displays. Christmas itself is only a few weeks away. Time to get going on those Christmas lists.

If you would like a modestly-priced novel about New Hampshire politics as a Christmas gift for a friend or relative, let me suggest my newest book, “Selling Mt. Washington” This satirical novel explores in comic fashion the murky wheeling and dealing of New Hampshire politics. Will the state legislature approve wind turbines on iconic Mt. Washington? Will a clueless and clumsy “outtastatah” (out of stater) named Charlie Beezer win election to the NH State Senate and astound the political world by defeating the bill? (maybe, maybe not).

“Selling Mt. Washington” is now available in Portsmouth at the River Run Bookstore , Discover Portsmouth, and Tugboat Alley. In Exeter, this book can be obtained at The Water Street Bookstore and The Country Store at RiverWoods. In Hampton, look for it at the Galley Hatch gift shop. In North Hampton, it is available at “The Book Outlet.” In Concord, “Selling Mt. Washington” can be found at Gibson’s Bookstore. It is also available on-line at Amazon.com. Patton is also the author of “Outtastatahs: Newcomers’ Adventures in New Hampshire.”