Ending The "R" Word...Not A PC Matter

I've been writing for the last week about Special Education.  While I will add to the blogs I've already done, something came up in the last few days that really bothered me. To write about it accurately, and honestly, I have to make a confession. Once upon a time, I was every bit as ignorant as the rest of the world about Special Needs, and what the term means.

The term is such a wide spectrum, that covers so much that it is near impossible to define. Parents who have a special needs child are acutely aware of it...but others are not.  When I became involved, I do what we all do to a degree...I assumed that everyone knew what i did. But in nine years of involvement with the special needs community, I never once heard anyone use the word "retarded". It had fallen out of use, not merely because it was politically correct, or hurtful, but because it was no longer an accurate word. To lump every child with any sort of learning disability, or need for educational accommodations under that word was simply ignorance.

This week, at another website, I ran into a horrible creature who actually used the word, and I was shocked. More shocking was her attitude, which included how much she resented her taxes being spent on "retarded kids, who were never going to amount to anything anyway." I knew the attitude existed...I was just not used to anyone being that upfront about it. Like racism, most people are enlightened enough to know that what they say will offend, so they try to be cautious. Not this beauty. She got more shrill, and arrogant with every word. At one point, she asserted that "retarded" was an accurate word, and too bad if I didn't like what it meant. She stated that special needs and "retarded" were the same word. Breathtakingly ignorant...but not that uncommon. Just a lot more open about it.

When Desi was classified, I ran into it a lot. I wish I could say it just came from stupid strangers, or people with no education, but that would be a lie. I ran into a lot of people who believed in the stigma...and believed that just being in Special Ed turned your child into a hopeless case, with no future. And some of them were family. I was talking to a close friend once, when Desi was about to graduate grade school (8th grade) He asked me what I was planning for her. I said something about college...and he paused. An uncomfortable silence.

"Are you sure she can?" he said finally.

And again, I was shocked.  This was a smart man, with both education, and an advanced IQ. He was the top of his field...but he also believed my daughter wasn't ever going to be much. He was trying to be kind, but he also thought I was crazy to expect much for her. Maybe I was setting myself up for hurt, dreaming that high?

You'll be reading more about my daughter's experience with Special Needs...and this requires a spoiler. Desi overcame most of her issues. She became a scholar, qualifying for the NJ Stars program when she graduated high school, took advanced college credits from Seton Hall, and also was inducted into the National Honor Society. I talk about her because like any parent, I am proud of what she's done. But I also am trying to make people understand that "special needs" is more than they know.

I've gone to Trenton with that message. People are always stunned when they hear about Desi. She's "one of those kids". How could she be...well...so smart? There's the rub. The unspoken assumption that the kids she went to school with are somehow less, damaged, or "never going to amount to much". I'll grant that she is not the usual...but her high school has an extraordinary record for college attendance. Eighty seven percent of their graduates go to college.

I think that's impressive...for "one of those kids". I should add that despite the fact that Desi had a stellar GPA by any standard, she was NOT the top of her class. She was tied for number two. Now you could assume I am just boasting about my kid. But there's a lot more to it. I've been fighting the budget cuts by reminding the legislators in Trenton that Desi wasn't unique...and the right school, with the right teachers can make all the difference. Take that away, and you might just waste a life before it ever starts.

But if that message is to have any meaning, first we have to lose the attitude that these kids are somehow a waste of our time, and money. I used to have a friend who went completely nuts after Desi was classified. He ranted for ten minutes at how much his taxes were, because of "those kids". His children were athletes. They played a variety of team sports. I quietly replied that my daughter never would...because of her disability. Was I to demand they eliminate all sports programs, because my child would never have the advantage of them?

He stopped talking. I was never truly comfortable with him again. He became one of those ignorant people. So I guess I will end this with a question. Are you one of the people who thinks that "special needs" makes every child Rainman? Do you think "retarded" when you hear the expression, but think you are being polite by not saying it?  You could argue that it's just words...but words are often all we have. They express ideas...and some words need to be lost, like the flawed thinking they represent.

Try to remember that "special" used to mean something good, and you are on your way to enlightenment.