Reviewing Dinner Party Etiquette

More and more, we are going on “staycations” and preferring Netflix over movie theaters. So it should come as no surprise that the dinner party has made a big comeback in the last few years.

Throwing a dinner party is truly an art form; however, it does not require the pretension that the earliest American dinners came with.

When I hear the phrase ”dinner party” two thoughts immediately come to mind: the film Age of Innocence, which serves as a classic homage to the New York Society Proper and their most elaborate spreads complete with garish flower arrangements, seating charts, a fork for every dish and a silver platter for every course; and the other is a round table of friends laughing, drinking, eating and storytelling.

Both are wonderfully romantic; however only one is truly attainable, while the other is inspirational.

If we are going to be more familiar with dinner parties, we need to revisit the rules and regulations:

1)   The No. 1 cardinal rule of each and every dinner party small or large, the rule that one must always repeat to themselves is: “Love is in the details.” Bringing out the fine china, making sure all glasses and flatware are coordinating, the napkins are folded and the table is set with special additions such as flowers, décor, crystal and candles. A hostess does this because she cares, because she wants to impress you and she wants to honor you. Accept her gestures, and hosts should accept their guests’ compliments as well.

2)   Seating charts are for dining halls, not dining rooms. Assigning seating to your friends and family is awkward nowadays and really unnecessary in the confines of one’s own dining room.

3)   There is a difference between a potluck, a buffet and a sit-down dinner.

a.     A potluck is an informal gathering in which each guest brings a dish for all to enjoy and add to the spread. Each guest can be assigned a course or check in with the host, who should be keeping track of all the items to avoid repeats and to make certain there is something for everyone. Guests are expected to help themselves.

b.     A buffet is a dinner that is prepared by the host and all the courses are served at once, displayed on a table in which guests are expected to help themselves.

c.      A sit-down dinner is a dinner that is prepared by the host and is served by the host. In cases where the dish is served in an elaborate manner (such as Beef Wellington, a roast that is to be carved or roast salmon in parchment packet), the entrée should be plated in advance and the guests can help themselves to sides. One-pot dishes (such as pasta-bakes, chicken sautés and stews) should be served by the host and passed along the table to each guest clockwise.  Build-your-own entrées (such as fajitas and tacos) should be prepared by each guest themselves.

4)   The first beverage should be served by the host, refills by the guests.

5)   This was a very hard lesson for me to learn and accept, but hosts—it is OK to let your guests help you to clean up after dinner. Have the dishwasher and sink empty and lots of dish towels available. Think of it as another way to socialize with a couple of your guests and at the end of the night, all you need to do is run the dishwasher before heading off to bed.

6)   "What to bring to a dinner party?" is the first question guests ask. The usual items are wine and dessert, but please do not assume. Your host mostly likely has gone to great lengths to plan and prepare all items on the menu, so ask what wine they prefer you bring, if any. If you wish to surprise your host, you cannot go wrong with a bottle of Champagne or Prosecco as it is the perfect way to begin or end any party. A box of gourmet chocolates is also a great treat to complement any dessert the host may have prepared.

7)   Be gracious. Your host, if successful, will have prepared a delicious meal for you in a lovely setting and provided an entertaining evening. Thank her by bringing a hostess gift such as a prepared dessert for her to enjoy another day (such as Ina Garten’s prepared mixes available at Cook’s Corner in Smithville), a flower arrangement from Pocket Full of Posies (be sure to have the flowers arranged in a vase so that your host can put them on display at the party without having to search for a vase) or a small token of appreciation such as a kitchen gadget or bath salts.

Keep in mind that just because a party has certain rules that should not make it any less fun. Like a dance, every fabulous dinner is choreographed to make it a sensation rather than a duration.