The Radical’s Blog: Lessons Learned from Traveling

Sometimes getting away can be refreshing for the mind and soul. In my day job, I spend time traveling to prospective clients. Sometimes when warranted, I’ll hop on a plane at the last minute to far off and exotic places of our country. Other times I fly out to Ohio or find myself driving on the New Jersey Turnpike. On a recent trip to the West Coast, I learned some lessons that have nothing to do with politics I thought I’d share. Cause that is how the Radical rolls. Enjoy some more time off from the serious.

1. It does not matter how cool you think you are, while on your flight trying to pay the $8 for the mystery sandwich, no one can look graceful trying to reach into their back pocket to dig out the buried wallet while strapped into a cramped seat trying desperately to not arm brush with the dude next to you.

2. That suit jacket worn over you polo shirt might be the in-style “Jethro Gibbs” look and get a few smiles from lady travelers, but it makes avoiding the dreaded arm brush even worse. Especially when both of you are taking off your coats at the same time because the plane just switched off the air intake and it is getting hot. Suck up having to iron your jacket the next morning and pack it in your luggage.

3. Grabbing the seat buckle when first sitting down and having it come nowhere close to meeting over your waist is not good for one's ego. 

4. The only food you should EVER order with the name “California” when in California is sushi. Apparently even the local flavor of a burger involves gobs of a slimy green chunky goo where the cholesterol and fat should be. I don’t care what they say, nothing of that color and texture can be considered “good” food even if it was “fast.” Your keep your avocado in the dip where it belongs and off my burger, and I won’t drive my rental SUV over your fashion statement Prius, OK? And, no, that rat sticking out of your purse can’t have what’s left of my lunch either.

5. TSA agents do not laugh at graying radicals joking, “Well, at least Osama didn’t try to blow up his own underwear on a plane too,” while trying to not tip over taking off his shoes in the busy security line before the person behind yells at him to hurry so they don’t miss their flight they should have left an hour earlier to catch because gawd almighty you would have missed Jerry Springer again. I use run-on sentences now; run-ons are cool.

6. It is possible to land on the ground without doing a total faceplant when your hands are cuffed behind your back. Pull your neck up and let your chest take the brunt of the push, err, I mean “fall.”

7. Fingerprint ink will transfer onto your jeans no matter how many wipes you use.

8. In LA, TSA agent managers will fall for the old “I am on a reality TV show. See the hidden camera *there*” trick every time. Apparently I look like an older, fatter version of Kirk Cameron and she was a huge fan of mine back in the day. Uhhhh thanks.

9. In some parts of California, no one will blink at tattoos, spikes through the lip, tattered clothing that has not been washed in a month, even naked bicyclists. But wear pin stripes—and a tie—and people will openly gawk. What? Don’t they have Republicans in California? Oh right. Nevermind. He is now off filming “Conan the Shuffle Boarder.”

10. At 11 p.m. local time, there are few cars on the road around Portland, OR, and even underpowered rental cars seem to zip through highways.

11. There are parts of interstates running through Portland that are *not* 55 mph as an out-of-towner might expect.

12. Luckily some of the Oregon state troopers are Kirk Cameron fans too.

13. You can get the complete first season of Growing Pains for less than $13 at Amazon.com.