As the Turkey Turns

Thanksgiving is staring me down in the face and I haven’t done much yet in terms of shopping, cleaning etc. Several years ago my Aunt gleefully passed the baton to me and I have been hosting the holiday ever since. I do wish as a kid I had paid more attention to what was going on in the kitchen instead of playing Donkey Kong with my cousins. Oh well it’s the usual learn as you go approach that I employ to most things.

Last year our friend Vinnie suggested that we try cooking the turkey on our outdoor gas grill using the rotisserie attachment we had. A great idea since it would free up the oven for side dishes and heating up appetizers.  We were having a good size crowd that year and I had purchased a 16 pounder. Vinnie had bought a 13 pound turkey and suggested we cook that one as well. “If you have leftovers what’s the harm?” Between the two turkeys there was enough to feed two packs of hungry cub scouts after a weekend camping trip eating only fried fish and dehydrated eggs.   

That day I had my doubts as I watched my husband and Vinnie attempt to impale the two naked birds onto the rotisserie stake.

“Are you sure that there is enough room for two turkeys on that grill?”

“Don’t worry they will fit fine and we can tie them up with some twine to make sure they stay put.” offered Vinnie.  

After what seemed like much turkey wrestling (a new sport for the holidays?) the two big birds were rotating ever so slowly over the grill. “Precarious as it seemed this may work!” I thought.

A half hour or so went by and we went inside to take care of the rest of the meal before the guests arrive. From the kitchen you can see to the deck where the grill was roasting away. I looked up from my potato peeling when I noticed bellows of smoke rising above the grill. Below the grill, flames were shooting out like a five alarm fire! “Fire, fire!” I screamed.

My husband Mark ran out and manned the garden hose while Vinnie attempted to rescue the doomed poultry from the flames. The smaller turkey only suffered first degree burns but the larger one was scorched like a burnt marshmallow.

After securing the 13 pounder back onto the rotisserie rod, Vinnie took the big bird inside. “Now what do we do, the oven is occupied at the moment?” I said with exasperation. Vinnie forever being prepared, most likely from his Army days, already had plan B in motion. He had brought along the Ron Popeil legendary rotisserie.

“We will just clean this bird up and cook it in this!” he suggested. “Well I suppose, but will it fit in there?” I asked with some hesitation. “We will make it fit,” said Vinnie. He then proceeded to amputate. With the skill of a surgeon, or maybe a butcher from Bayonne, he cut off the wings and legs and jammed what was left of the turkey into the rotisserie. As long as my neighbors didn’t call the fire department on us all may work out fine.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch and several hours later we were finally sitting down with everyone enjoying the meal. “Hey what happened to that turkey’s wings and legs?” questioned my 12 year old niece Sarah. “It was bred like that.” I replied “so you would have more breast meat.” “Well how does the turkey get around without any legs?” asked Sarah. “Maybe they put them on skateboards.” I suggested. “Why does the turkey have a burnt taste to it?” Sarah inquired further. “Funny I don’t taste that. It must be you dear. Now eat up before its cold burnt tasting turkey which is far worst!”

Phew, inquisitive child.

Well what have I learned from this Thanksgiving cooking lesson? Perhaps that two birds on a gas grill are more exciting than one bird in an oven? Or I should stick to Cornish Hens they are much more compact and fireproof!

Or maybe Ron Popeil went through the same ordeal and knew what he was doing when he invented the Ronco rotisserie!

Whatever lessons that day may have held I know that it’s not the food that makes Thanksgiving it’s the friends and family you spend it with.

A joyful Thanksgiving day to you all!