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This past week, I had the opportunity to accompany a client living with dementia on a weeklong vacation, just the two of us.
It was a meaningful, enlightening, and genuinely enjoyable experience. It also gave me time to reflect on something we often say in dementia care:
"Pick your battles."
The phrase is usually well-intentioned. When someone repeats a question, insists that something happened a certain way, or becomes fixated on an idea, we remind caregivers that not every disagreement needs to be corrected.
But after this week, I found myself wondering:
What if, instead of picking our battles, we chose our adventures?
That small language change can completely shift the caregiving experience.
When caring for someone with dementia, we often arrive at a crossroads.
One path says:
Correct the facts. Explain why the person is mistaken. Bring them back to reality.
The other says:
Pause. Become curious. Try to understand what makes sense from their perspective.
During our trip, my client became focused on the fact that the villa did not have a washer and dryer. She remembered there being one during a previous stay and was concerned about how we would wash our clothing.
There was a washer and dryer available nearby, but she had another solution.
She suggested that we wash the laundry in the jacuzzi.
The immediate reaction could have been to dismiss the idea.
"That's silly."
"That won't work."
"You can't wash clothes in a jacuzzi."
Instead, I paused.
She had looked at the jacuzzi and recognized that it filled with water, moved, and circulated. Based on the information available to her, she had developed a solution.
She was problem-solving.
So rather than correcting her, we talked about it.
I told her that doing laundry in the jacuzzi would certainly be an adventure. Then we considered whether walking across the way to use the washer might be a little easier and save us some time.
There was no argument and no "battle" to win.
There was simply a shared moment, a little humor and a solution we reached together.
Dementia can affect memory, reasoning, and the ability to complete familiar tasks. Because of this, it can be tempting for caregivers to take over.
We may think:
"It will be faster if I do it."
"It will be easier if I make the decision."
"I don't want them to struggle."
Sometimes stepping in is necessary, particularly when safety is involved. However, when we take over too quickly, we may unintentionally remove an opportunity for the person to participate, make choices or experience a sense of accomplishment.
Throughout the week, I was reminded that people living with dementia continue to use the skills, experiences and coping mechanisms available to them.
Their approach may not always look the way we expect, but it often has its own internal logic.
Our role is not always to lead from the front. Sometimes it is to walk beside them.
That may mean offering a gentle cue, narrowing down the choices, or helping complete one part of a task while allowing the person to do the rest.
This approach preserves dignity and independence. It also changes the relationship from one person managing another to two people navigating an experience together.
Not every moment needs to become a teachable moment.
A person living with dementia may not retain a lengthy explanation or remember the correction later. Repeatedly trying to teach, convince, or prove a point can create frustration for everyone involved.
But even when the details of an experience are forgotten, the emotions associated with it can remain.
Did the person feel respected?
Did they feel rushed?
Did they feel embarrassed?
Or did they feel safe, included, and valued?
As caregivers, we may not always be able to create a lasting lesson. We can, however, create a positive experience.
Instead of asking, "How do I make them understand?" we can ask:
"How can I help this moment feel better?"
That is often where meaningful dementia care begins.
Dementia care conversations often center on loss.
We notice the memory that is fading, the task that has become difficult, or the independence that has changed.
Those losses are real, and they can be painful. But they are not the whole person.
During our week together, I also saw creativity, humor, self-awareness, determination, and a desire to contribute.
There were moments when my client recognized that she was having difficulty putting the pieces of a story together. There were also moments when she confidently asked for help, solved a problem in her own way, or became completely engaged in an activity.
When she felt useful, included, and independent, she lit up.
As a Certified Dementia Practitioner, I know the importance of focusing on retained abilities. This week allowed me to witness that principle in a very personal way.
Instead of beginning with what someone can no longer do, we can ask:
What can they still do?
What brings out their personality?
What helps them feel capable?
Where can we create an opportunity for success?
These reflections are at the heart of our ENRICH program at Right at Home of Essex County.
ENRICH is not simply about keeping someone occupied. It is about creating meaningful connection, supporting remaining abilities and helping people living with dementia experience purpose, engagement, and joy.
A successful visit does not always need to include a perfectly completed activity.
Sometimes success looks like a conversation that brings back a meaningful memory.
Sometimes it is helping someone participate in preparing lunch rather than preparing it for them.
Sometimes it is going for a walk, listening to music, organizing photographs, or simply laughing together over an unexpected idea.
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is connection.
Caregiving is often discussed in terms of what we give.
We give our time, attention, patience, energy and support. All of that is important.
But this week reminded me to also pay attention to what we receive.
Every person has something to teach us. There is always a story, a perspective, a sense of humor, or a quality that invites connection.
The person may not be someone we would have met under ordinary circumstances, but that does not make the relationship any less meaningful.
When we focus only on the tasks we are providing, caregiving can begin to feel like a checklist.
When we allow ourselves to appreciate the person's company, personality and perspective, the experience becomes something more.
It becomes a relationship.
By the end of the week, I realized that "choose your own adventure" was more than a playful phrase.
It was a reminder that caregivers make choices throughout the day.
We can correct, or we can become curious.
We can take over, or we can support.
We can focus only on what is difficult, or we can notice what is still possible.
We can treat each unexpected moment as a battle, or we can approach it as part of the adventure.
Dementia care is not about pretending challenges do not exist. It is about meeting the person where they are instead of continually pulling them toward where we think they should be.
When we offer a helping hand alongside them rather than trying to do everything for them, the experience becomes better for everyone involved.
Not every moment has to be a battle.
Sometimes, it can simply be an experience.
And sometimes, it may become one of the moments we remember most.
Right at Home of Essex County's ENRICH program is a companionship and engagement program designed to help older adults - particularly those living with dementia - stay connected to the people, activities and routines that bring meaning to their days. Led by Certified Dementia Practitioner Christine O'Keeffe, ENRICH focuses on the person, not simply their care needs. Through one-on-one companionship, meaningful activities, outings and everyday experiences, our companions meet clients where they are, build on the abilities they still have and create opportunities for connection, purpose and joy. Because sometimes the best care isn't about doing more for someone, it's about experiencing more with them.
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