The Case of the Randy Naked Neighbors

Dear MapleWould,

I’m not a Peeping Tom, but can’t help but notice that my new neighbors are overly amorous thanks to their overly sheer shades and apparent desire to actively explore every room in their new home. Even when they’re not taking their athletic house tours, one of them is often opting for a sans clothing lifestyle once the sun goes down.

How can I keep my view a little bit more PG while staying PC as a neighbor? These nighttime shows are also making morning Jitney conversations more than a bit awkward, since I already feel like I have such intimate knowledge into their private life. Given the positioning of our homes, I’m the only one on the block privy to their positions. Help!

-I. Full

Dear I. Full-

I’m so sorry, we’ll buy new shades! I kid, I kid...

I certainly understand that catching an unexpected eyeful every now and again can be a bit unnerving. Still, such situations are part of the downside of having windows while living in close proximity to others.

Truth is you’re pretty much caught between a rock and a hard place. (NO pun intended…well, okay, maybe a little.) The problem here is there’s really no easy way to disclose the fact that you’ve been observing them unclothed for any duration of time without seeming like an absolute creep.  Worse yet, you run the risk of finding out that they might even already be aware that they have an audience... Yup, in a word, awkward.

It also could very well be that while they’re enjoying getting to know the interior of their new home, they haven’t had a proper chance to view it from the exterior, yet:

I remember making the rather riveting realization that the shades on the bedroom windows of our first house were gauzy enough to perform hand puppet performances for the neighbors across the street – but only after approaching the house after a late night at work. I’m not sure if I’d inadvertently put on some racy red-light shows while getting ready for bed, but the very thought was all I needed to high-tail it to Tar-jay the next day.

Since you really can’t force your nudies next door to purchase more opaque window treatments, I suggest you invest in some of your own, at least for the most oft offending areas:

They say good fences make good neighbors, but sometimes a sturdy shutter can keep shudder-worthy activity where it belongs, behind closed doors.

I hope that helps and, lastly, STOP looking already! Really.