Support the DUNCE Act

I’m typically of the mentality that less government and less regulation are good things. However, when it comes to environmental issues, from a cost-benefit viewpoint government regulation offers a more efficient means to an end - that being a clean common environment. For if we had to resolve every environmental issue through the courts using common law nuisance torts, sure attorneys would rejoice, but we would grow old waiting for relief, would be poorer overall, and would be living in a dirtier world.  

Corporations exist for one purpose - to maximize profit margins.  And that’s the way it should be. They should focus on what they do best.  It’s how society finds efficiencies.  But, at the same time, private property and areas held in the public trust must be protected from becoming sinks for process effluent and wastes. Enter government regulation. Ostensibly, the costs associated with these regulations are then internalized into the price of a product or service, sending a clear signal to the marketplace of what is good or bad.  

Laws such as the Clean Water Act, Superfund, the National Environmental Policy Act, and the  Resource Conservation and Recovery Act, to name a few, accomplish the above. Indeed, we have come a long way in the past 40-plus years because of these laws and the environment is vastly improved in many ways. But these regulations are mostly geared toward business. What of the individual choices made daily by people, which in the aggregate produce environmental harm and therefore hurt me in my wallet? Shouldn’t we concentrate some attention to address these individual offenders? Here’s what I propose:

The Domestic Unbelievable and Naïve Citizen Environmental Act, aka the DUNCE Act  

Section 503; Transporting Water Across National Boundaries. The offender rather ridiculously wastes fuel by reaching for a bottle of Evian, San Pelligrino, or Fiji water instead of local bottled water, or gasp, opening the faucet. Punishment consists of deportation to the water’s country of origin.   

Section 819; Unlawful Driving Less Than ½-Mile. The offender drives to a location easily within walking distance. Exemptions are provided during inclement weather. Punishment consists of plugging an organic potato into the offender’s exhaust pipe.    

Section 291; Possessing a Paved Yard. The offender unnecessarily covers a front, side, or rear yard completely with impervious paving stones, asphalt, or concrete, impeding natural filtering of stormwater and groundwater recharge. The offender is forced to play tackle football on the subject yard.    

Section 714; Assault With a Can of Roundup. The trigger-happy offender indiscriminately sprays Roundup by the quart on anything that is not a blade of Kentucky Bluegrass on their prized putting green like lawn. Punishment consists of one year of nothing but dandelion salads for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Section 373; Reckless Sprinklering. The offender runs a sprinkler during, or within 24 hours of, a rain event. The offender is forced to run through a front-yard sprinkler in their underpants while singing Marvin Gaye’s Mercy Mercy Me.      

Section 451; Conspiracy To Repeat Silly Sound Bites. The offender espouses Internet myths with no scientific basis to refute the potential dangers of climate change and other environmental issues. Examples include “we are entering an ice age,” “CO₂ is good for the environment,” and “Mars is warming.” Punishment consists of being launched from a compressed CO₂ gas cannon on the Discovery Channel show MythBusters.  

I think everyone has witnessed at least one of the above violations in action and it’s time we stopped just shaking our heads in disbelief. Please ask your local legislator to vote Yes for the DUNCE Act - even if it’s just for a cheap laugh during the penalty phase.