The College Commencement Speech Never Given: To My Oldest at Graduation

My first child’s college graduation ceremony is this May, so I wanted to be the first one to write her a commencement speech, but this one shall never actually be “given.”

After almost 35 years in business and just finishing the second lap of life’s mile race, I have some perspective. This speech will accompany the book I promised never to write. Which is sort of a shame, as some chapters would clearly be funny, many exciting, a lot pretty scary, some embarrassing, but all the same, probably all best kept out of the limelight.

Note to wife - you’re welcome.

I will dispense of all the familiarities and pleasantries one typically starts with in commencement addresses, and get into the heart of things. I imagine that my speech would go something like this:

Thanks kiddo for finishing your work early and going as a part time student for your last semester. It saved the family about 1/4 of your annual tuition in the process. The only real “break” we could get from the crazy high tuition bills. Seriously, nice job - daddy loves you!

OK, since I am your father, you know you do not have to listen. However, I did make it this far, and that included raising you, educating you, housing you , riding lessons and vacations, as well as some other benefits along life’s way. Hopefully you enjoyed the ride as much as we did all the driving.

As crazy as it sounds, I will miss it terribly, and although you likely would loathe this trade, I would go back in a second.

I have drilled this down to just 5 lessons which took me many years to learn, all with the benefit of laser-like hindsight and most learned very expensively. Here they are, ready for your launch into the next phase of your life.

Lessons Learned From Dad

1. If you should ever be lucky enough to find your way into something professionally that you LOVE doing (and get paid well enough to survive) by all means do it. Ultimately, that love will shine through everything you do - it will affect people, and when you least expect it, something totally unpredicted will happen.

Generally, these events are very pleasant and happy surprises.

Anytime you look forward to getting up early and going to work, it will add years, if not decades, to your life. Not only will it improve your attitude it will impact all those you come in contact with. Consider this the ripple that turns into a wave. It’s intoxicating to be around true enthusiasm like this, poisonous on the other end of the spectrum. Note: It’s better to take chances when you’re young.

2. This one is more difficult, but under your total control. Just remember just these three words: patience, patience, patience. It’s tough when you know the right answer, often things or someone seems stupid, and you are the budding star of the Universe, but understand this - you will never feel sorry for being patient or not giving someone a hard enough time.

Everything comes back around eventually, and those who you never thought would notice do, both the good and the bad. You will not toss and turn, nor lie awake at night, worrying that you didn’t get angry enough, say nasty enough things, or shoot enough arrows. When you react too fast, emotion can cloud your judgment and things can get out of control in a hurry, the amount of internal anguish and stress generally caused by these events just isn’t worth it.

Trying to walk things back later creates even more anguish and has its own set of issues. Getting the genie back in the bottle is a horrible job. Note: This is not meant to bless doing stupid things repeatedly; I.e. Insanity, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

P.S. This is related, but different. Bite your tongue. I know it’s the 21st century and you are ready to change the world, but words still slice like swords, and crush like boulders. You may not even feel angry, nor threatened in a typical conversation, but watch what you say and how you say it. People can take offense and form judgments in ways you have likely not yet experienced. Try this technique, say things to people like you would speak to your best friend’s grandmother. No attitude and be friendly. Try smiling before you speak, it sets things up better.

3. OK, I apologize for this one, as it’s mostly hypocritical, but your grandparents were clearly the greatest generation - they were children of the depression and likely war veterans. Unfortunately, your parents might possibly be the worst generation.

The key difference here is understanding the vast, cavernous, divide between a “need” and a “want.” Your parents somehow clouded this over and then confused it with a right. We were children of the 70’s, initially righteous and then rebellious, but somehow we took the wrong fork in the road, and quickly morphed into the generation of conspicuous consumption. That turned almost into a form of greed, as we routinely took on debt to cover these desires.

This is like a beautiful butterfly turning into an ugly caterpillar, a trade “reversed” that just became a disaster. Maybe we should be known as the “lame generation” for all the coveting we did of our neighbor’s possessions. However, we did at least turn over the internet and IPhones to you guys.

I recommend a little trick your grandparents used. If you think you need something, don’t rush right out and buy a shiny new one, nor waste hours on the internet checking them out. Borrow one from a friend first. After returning it, in good shape, see if you need it again very soon, then decide. Is it truly a need, or is really just a want.

Needs are okay, wants tend to be the backbone of jealousy.

4. Related to number 3, but financially oriented, you knew this was coming, so I am sorry. Financial rule number 1 is to pay yourself first!

What do I mean?

Simply make saving your money paramount. This takes discipline, but trust me, you will NEVER be sorry. Try this; after setting up you first checking account, save $500-1,000, then establish a Money Market or savings account at another, different, intuition. Arrange, after each paycheck hits, to have some amount, say 5-10% of each paycheck, automatically transferred to this outside account.

The point here is to get it out of your primary account immediately, so you can’t spend it via Debit card at 2 am Sunday Morning. This amount should not crush you, and if it is, rethink you spending habits, because you are already out over your skis.

This is not just some hidden agenda from the Lame generation, when you consider this: You end up with more money, by saving just ten years and stopping, when you start at 21, then someone who starts saving 10 years later and does so for 40 years!

Pow! Ten years versus forty years, do the math! Now you are entering a magical and unstoppable world called: the power of compounding.

Don’t believe me? Google it.

5. Life will deal you more than your fair share of lemons. You could end up in a dead end job, your boss may be a jerk, or you may be forced to endure far worse possibilities. Trust me, you must just make the best out of these bad situations, because that’s the key to survival, getting through to the next break in the clouds is your goal.

Use every tool you have on these days, and focus on keeping one foot in front of the other. Try first to convince yourself you are happy, but you may have to actually pretend or force yourself to act like a happy person. This sounds trite or useless, but try it, because it actually works. Some people call it “fake it until you make it.”

The easiest method is to turn things around, (start by putting your phone away, you are not Zuckerberg or Bill Gates or Warren Buffet) is to engage pleasantly with everyone you encounter. This puts your own feelings second to others, the place to be if you want real happiness.

Talk to the train conductor, the street vendors, the doorman, and strangers in your elevator. Start with these time tested phrases: hello, how are you, please, thank you, and your welcome. See where it goes. Say things with a smile and look people in the eye, and mean it.

You will be noticed, and the ripple effect of smiles will change your perspective, your attitude, and possibly your life. If the problem is a boss, try not to moan and complain, but think how you can help them. Try to relieve a burden, handle a basic chore, just to get things off their plate.

A simple thing may just be the cause of their added stress. Your primary goal, as you begin you career and life ahead, is to find ways to add value. Initially, it’s not going to require brain surgery, maybe just getting coffee. Going forward learn to recognize the roadblocks and obstacles to your team’s success. You can add value by dealing with those roadblocks or simply helping others deal with them.

6. OK, I know I said five, but there are six. The single most important thing you have in your entire life is your signature. Treat it like gold and you will never regret it. Use it wisely, never cavalierly, and read anything that demands your signature very carefully. Take your time to digest everything that you are agreeing to completely, this ounce of “prevention” is worth “tons” of cure.

Keep a copy of everything you sign, and remember what it means in the immediate future, but also the distant future. Having a copy will enable you periodically review things, in the event something has changed, which you possibly didn’t expect.

Professionally, an ill-timed signature, can cost you your job, trust me I know. If you feel pressured to sign something, and it doesn’t feel right, or your place to sign, stop. Do not sign, take a step back, breath, regroup, reread carefully. You may be mixing your business life unnecessarily into your private life.

If that is your intention, fine, just do not do it “on the fly” nor under duress, and only after careful consideration.

Always remember how proud I am of you.

Love , Dad