When I told people I had cancer, the first thing they wanted to know was how they could help.
I couldn’t answer. Requesting a hand has never come easy. My husband will tell you. I assume he’ll empty the drier and fold the clothes when the dry cycle is complete, and then do it myself with attitude two days later when the load is still in the machine, wrinkled beyond repair.
“Why didn’t you ask me? I would have done it,” he’ll say.
Because I shouldn’t have to ask!
(Please note: That was pre-cancer. While I’ve been in treatment Pete proactively takes care of everything around the house. Thank you, babe)
The point is … we don’t live in a utopian world, where your husband, kids and friends will anticipate your every need and provide the ideal assistance (although my hubby does have a sixth sense about my need for Frogurt and surprises me with it often. OK, enough about him).
We have to ask for help — especially in times of trouble. People who implore you to phone if you need anything genuinely want to offer support. They are there, ready and willing, awaiting the invitation.
Still, I would rather extract my own tooth than solicit a favor … and I suspect others feel the same. If you have a friend or loved one in crisis and you’re waiting to be called upon, you could very well be wondering what you could have done long after the crisis is over.
Here are some suggestions, based on ways my family, friends and neighbors have come to my aid … and they may not even know it.
Feed
For months, I was physically unable to prepare a meal for my family. Fortunately, we never had to resort to pancakes for dinner (not that there’s anything wrong with that). We’re blessed with wonderful parents and a lot of great friends who cooked for us and dropped off food at our door. We also received gift certificates to restaurants that deliver take-out and contributions to an account, opened by friends, at a local caterer.
Tip: If you plan to help with meals, find out which night of the week works best so you’re not bringing food at the same time as someone else, and don’t expect to get your Tupperware back — ever. If you’re attached to your food containers, go disposable.
Inspire
A dear friend texted me uplifting quotes weekly. The messages were truly a lifeline. I locked them in my cell phone inbox and emailed them to myself (just for safe measure) so I could read them when I needed a pick-me-up.
I also kept the many moving, beautiful cards I received in a pretty basket by my bed. I pored over each one the morning of my bilateral mastectomy and the day of my first chemo appointment. The sentiments within them give me courage when I need it.
Check in
My cousin and brother texted me after every chemo treatment to see how I was feeling and to remind me that I’m strong. Others email and call regularly to let me know they’re thinking about me. It makes a difference — especially when the caller just listens and lets me vent my fears and physical complaints without telling me “it will be fine.”
Understand, you don’t have to provide the answer; most times there isn’t one … and you don’t have to solve our problems. A lap to cry on and a compassionate ear is all we need.
Chauffer
Many have driven my children to and from soccer practice and school functions, and friends and family have schlepped me to doctors’ appointments when I couldn’t operate a car.
Tip: Create an account on lotsahelpinghands.com, a website where you can organize helpers to coordinate rides and other types of assistance.
Pray
After I was diagnosed, a co-worker told me her kids were including me in their nightly prayers. While I’m not devout, I liked the idea of being the subject of someone’s communication with God. When my mother asked if it was OK for my name to be called out during the healing prayer at her temple’s Friday night services, I shoved my cell phone into her hand and asked her to dial her rabbi ASAP to ensure my spot on the list (then I prayed for my name to remain on that list for the next 40 years). I figure the more positive energy sent into the universe on my behalf the better.
P.S.
Stopping by to vacuum, fold laundry or scrub a sink full of dishes doesn’t hurt either.
What kind of help have you received or provided help during a difficult time? Please share in the Comment section.
