Talk Isn’t Cheap for this Psychologist

Clinical psychologist Dr. Rob Handelman may be somewhat new to West Orange, having moved to the area from Brooklyn a year ago in July with his wife and 6-year-old son, but he certainly is not new to psychotherapy. "I've been practicing therapy for 15 years," he said.

Handelman practices what is known as  "mindfulness-based" integrative psychotherapy. If you are shaking your head in confusion, you're not alone. He explains, in simple terms, that being mindful is being aware of one's feelings at that specific moment instead of denying those feelings even exist. For example, if a mother loses her temper at her children, instead of trying to pretend she isn't angry, he offers alternative advice.

"You don't have control over these feelings.  You will not feel angry or feeling guilty about feeling angry forever. You feel bad," he said. "Can you take a moment and explore that, where you feel it in your body, take some breaths, ask what you are experiencing, sit with yourself, imagine there is someone with you who would be saying nice things to you or imagine what you might say to a friend who had just had a similar experience."

While this advice may not sound easy, no one said parenting or life in general, would be easy. Handelman is not hesitant to point out the obvious: "Life is hard."  He also is quick to point out that these bad or uncomfortable feelings do go away: "But it does take practice."

Handelman sees clients in his office in New York City and in Maplewood on Baker Street. In the city, many of his clients are single, while most of his local clients are married with children. "Many are looking for help with parenting or their marriages," he said. "Some clients are feeling disconnected from their spouses. Some clients are stay at home moms in the process of figuring out what their next steps are in their life. Should they go back to work? Full time or part time? They are unsure of what they should do."

During their work with Handelman, he helps them explore and access their experiences. "I will ask my clients about their thoughts, their feelings and their bodily sensations," he said. "If a client tells me they are scared, I ask them how do they know they are scared. What are they thinking? Where do they feel the fear."

Most people tend to either deny their feelings or run away from them, according to Handelman, by watching television or escaping by logging onto the computer for hours.

"We keep ourselves stuck by struggling against what is," he said. In layman terms, life is much easier if you accept what's going on at that moment and deciding how you want to react. "We tend to want to get away from our spouse or our children but it's really our feelings that we're running away from," said Handelman. "Some clients may think 'I'm angry and it's not appropriate to feel angry at my child. I want to get away from my child.' " He engages his clients to make choices rather than being reactive.

Clients usually see Handelman one or two times a week. "I practice long-term therapy but it's up to the client to decide what works," he said. "I also work short term."

Handelman practices what he preaches. Three months ago, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Since then, he has lost over 15 pounds and is unrecognizable to his friends.

"I have to practice being mindful every day," he said. "I hear the voices in my head that say 'you can exercise tomorrow.' Or 'it doesn't really matter.' I listen closely to those sabotaging thoughts. I lean towards them but I make the choice to exercise." He admits that, at times, he does decide to hit the snooze button and skip his workout. "I'm only human."

Handelman will host an interactive presentation July 28 on Mindful
Parenting for the Holistic Moms Group, 7 p.m. in South Orange. For more information, contact Joanna Doran-Paley to RSVP.

Do you have ideas for upcoming columns, know an athletic enthusiast, want to ask a question or can put me in touch with people who are creating a healthier West Orange? E-mail Hurtado. Hurtado is an enthusiastic fitness expert with years of experience and has spent nearly a decade on the business side of publishing as a Beauty Director at magazines such as Mademoiselle and Seventeen.