When the Holidays Aren't So Happy

For many people, the holidays are a time to reunite and gather with family and friends. Parties, festivities and laughs may be par for the course. However, for others, the holiday season may bring sadness and loss, especially if this is the first holiday season without a loved one. Dr. Rob Handelman helps his clients adjust to their new reality.

First things first. According to Handelman, the holidays are not always a joy filled occasion. "Holidays can be a significant stressor for people," he said. Even if things are going well in someone's lives, the holidays usually are a stressful time in general. Who hasn't felt the pressure to purchase the "perfect" gift or felt stress when thinking of spending time with their in-laws?

However, if someone has experienced a loss, for example, someone they have loved has passed away or if they are going through a transition such as a separation or divorce, the holidays can be an unusually turbulent time. "If this is occurring for you," said Handelman, "you need to accept that your life will be different. Don't struggle with your feelings of sadness and loss. Those feelings are normal."

Handelman practices "mindfulness-based" integrative psychotherapy. In essence, he asks his clients to feel, really feel, and acknowledge all the emotions they are experiencing. "Many times we want our feelings to go away but there's no easy way around it. You have to accept the reality that things have changed."

In our society, there's an underlying agreement that when someone experiences a loss, there is an acceptable time to feel sad and then the person has to move on. How many times has the phrase "get over it" been uttered throughout time. Handelman recommends to his clients not to feel the pressure from society to get over their feelings. "It's normal to feel sad. It's normal to wish things were different. You cannot control your feelings. You need to try to accept them," he said.

Whether you have lost someone you loved through a death or divorce, Handelman has suggestions on ways that may ease the transition:

1) Share, talk and communicate with a few close friends. "Be willing to share with other people what you are going through. Tell them what hurts. Be honest with how you are feeling," he suggested. Even though you may want to stay in bed all day, try your best to avoid doing that. "Getting together with friends and trusting others can be a huge step towards healing." However, he also notes that family and friends may only be able to provide so much help. "If you are finding it difficult to, say, get out of bed, you may need help from a professional."

2) Go easy on self-medication. Handelman stressed to know the difference between self-medicating and self-care. Going out for a few cocktails with friends may be self-care but drinking alone at home is not the healthiest option.

3) Create new rituals. If you've always decorated the Christmas tree with your father and he is no longer alive, then it may be helpful and healing to create a different ritual to suit your new reality. At the same time, be gentle with yourself when making plans. "It can be great to know you have something to do and to look forward to but also know that you can also opt out," said Handelman. "You are in control of saying yes or saying no. But try to say yes."

Lastly, what if you are on the other side of the fence? What if it's your sister or friend who is going through this situation? What can you do?

"You can ask them 'Is there anything I can do for you?' " said Handelman. "It can be tempting to try to fix their problem. It can be painful to listen to someone who is in pain but this is a time for listening and support."

Do you have ideas for upcoming columns, know an athletic enthusiast, want to ask a question, or can put me in touch with people who are inspiring or creating a healthier West Orange? Post a comment or e-mail Hurtado. Hurtado is an enthusiastic fitness and wellness expert with years of experience. She blogs about her health and fitness adventures at JudiesJuice. Her articles have been published in magazines such as Time Out New York and Park Place.