Audience "Lectured" on Over-Parenting

When Hara Estroff Marano, author of "A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting," spoke Tuesday at Ramapo High School about the dangers of over-parenting, the audience listened in rapt attention.

In her lecture, Marano, an editor at large for Psychology Today, described how “helicopter parents”—parents who hover over every aspect of children’s lives, from academics to athletics—produce children who are unable to live independent and happy lives.

“Kids are not able to develop coping skills because all the lumps and bumps in the road have been removed for them,” Marano said. “Parents want to make kids happy but have a mistaken idea of how to pursue it.”

To raise well-adjusted and autonomous children, Marano suggested parents in the audience encourage their kids to play more and have some downtime, rather than a relentless schedule of activities. Parents should often have dinner with their children so that kids feel valued and secure. When their children fail at tasks, parents should engage in constructive criticism and show empathy. Parents should also reward their children’s efforts, regardless of whether or not they are successful. Finally, by limiting excessive cell phone calls with their kids, parents allow children to become increasingly self-sufficient.

Wyckoff resident Carla Pappalardo, who has two children at Indian Hills High School, believes that Marano’s lecture brought attention to the problem of over-parenting, for which there is no easy solution.

“I thought it was a very interesting thesis. I agree with a good many of the points that she’s making,” Pappalardo said. “I think it’s one thing, however, to diagnose to the problem, and I think it becomes a very difficult thing to change. You may see people here that agree in principle with what she’s saying, but we’re in the middle of a phenomenon and it becomes difficult to jump off in certain respects.”

Janet Millstein, also from Wyckoff, has one child at Eisenhower Middle School and another at the Bergen County Academies. She agreed with Marano that parents should not stifle their children and should instead let them make mistakes, from which they can grow.

“If we think back perhaps a generation ago to how it went for us, we’re pretty well-adjusted. We’re satisfied,” Millstein said. “It’s really healthy for (kids) to figure it out on their own. You know, you’re not going to let them light themselves on fire, but you’re going to let them experiment and find their way.”

The Municipal Alliances of Franklin Lakes, Oakland and Wyckoff, voluntary organizations that work to bring awareness of substance abuse prevention to children and adults, sponsored the lecture along with the Ramapo Association of Parents, Teachers and Students.

Kathy Scarpelli, chairwoman of the Wyckoff Municipal Alliance, said that while "A Nation of Wimps" has been “an eye-opener for everyone,” its message is not specific to Ramapo parents.

“It’s a general cautionary message,” she said. “The message is not unique to the FLOW area.”