Wyckoff Family Changes Life of Israeli Vet, Becomes Changed in Return

Compassion may not be able to eradicate mental syndromes like post-traumatic stress disorder, but it certainly changes the lives of those who receive it – and those who show it – for the better.

Just ask the Curtin family. Seventeen-year-old Lindsay Curtin begged her parents, Meryl and Irwin, for years to host a veteran as part of Bergen County’s Zahal Shalom program – a branch of a larger group founded in 1993 to create a stronger bond between Israel and the American Jewish community by providing two-week spring respites to disabled Israeli veterans.

The Curtins had served as a “buddy family” to Meryl’s sister’s family, which hosted veterans in past years, but Lindsay desperately wanted to host a wounded veteran of her own. After two years, her parents relented. This May, the Curtins met Ilan.

Ilan Malihi, 61, was one of eight Israeli delegates selected to participate in this year’s program. The program is usually limited to about 10 soldiers each year to maintain intimacy and manageable activity schedules, said Richard Schnaittacher, who heads the committee that organizes the veterans’ visit as chairman of Zahal Shalom. But as many as 12 disabled Israeli veterans have stayed with families in the area in past years, he says.

Soldiers like Malihi who enroll in the program have varying degrees of physical and emotional disabilities, but each veteran must have at least 35 percent disability in order to participate. Still, that disability hardly renders them immobile – physically or emotionally.

“The people that we get have to be able to walk. Some come with crutches. They’ll walk all day on crutches. These are the toughest guys; they’re very resilient,” said Schnaittacher, who has witnessed the veterans’ tenacity over his decade-long involvement with Zahal Shalom.

For Malihi, the wounds of war were primarily emotional. He fought in three wars and suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder. Still, the Curtins’ outpouring of support helped begin to heal those wounds in just the two weeks Malihi lived in their Wyckoff home.

“We really formed some intense bonds very quickly. Hosting brings you to a new level. It can be an eye opener,” Meryl Curtin said. 

It was challenging in the beginning, however. Malihi had never left Israel before. He slept poorly because of his PTSD condition. He ate little and spoke barely any English.

Despite his cheery demeanor, it was clear to Curtin, who had dealt with PTSD sufferers before, that Malihi was unsure of himself and a bit uncomfortable when he first arrived.

“He was always very pleasant and happy, but you could tell from his body language that he wasn’t particularly comfortable,” said Curtin.

That Malihi hid his discomfort with a smile made it difficult to relieve, but ultimately, Meryl Curtin reached him. She recalls their first emotional connection clearly and fondly: Meryl’s sister Pam had taken Malihi to New York for an excursion on a day Meryl Curtin wasn’t unavailable, and Pam called that evening to say the group had stopped for pizza, but Malihi didn’t eat. He didn’t consume a thing all day except for a can of Sprite and she was concerned.

At first, Curtin didn’t know how to help Malihi, whom she knew would not step forward and express discomfort. Yet she knew he felt it; he was in a strange country for the first time in his 61 years and unfamiliar with the food. Then she remembered he had brought some from home.

“At 11 p.m. I made him what he wanted to eat – tuna with coffee and tomato,” Curtin said. “He realized that I was getting it, that I was not pushing my ways on him and he responded to that. With gentle encouragement he really opened up to me. I gave him everything I had.”

Over time, and with patience on both ends, the Curtins and the veteran found ways to communicate that didn’t require words. They spoke through music, through dance, through expressions – and occasionally, with little bits of high-school level French Meryl Curtin and Malihi both retained from some point in their very divergent life experiences.

“I don’t know how, but we did talk late nights about his life in Israel … his three kids, two grandchildren. I was able to read to him,” marveled Curtin. “It was just a matter of time until he got more relaxed and started loving us. We held his hand.”

Bergen County is one of only three counties in the United States to participate in the overseas Zahal Shalom program, which does far more than strengthen local Jewish community members’ connections with Israel. It gives the soldiers who fought for the Mediterranean country’s independence – and were wounded doing so – an unparalleled opportunity for healing.

Informal observations and follow-ups consistently indicate disabled veterans who suffer from PTSD particularly show strong results from their participation in the program. That’s because the unique emotional connection facilitates the healing process, says Schnaittacher.

“We’re not going to claim that we cure people with PTSD, but we have people who came here and say they haven’t laughed or danced or sung in 30 years and the first time they’ve done so is after being here,” said Schnaittacher. “Here we use human relations for awakening.”

The veterans, who range in age from 22 to 63 years old, are carefully screened to ensure they are physically and emotionally qualified to participate in the delegation. Most participants are male veterans, but a pair of female veterans tend to be involved as well, as was the case this year, Schnaittacher said. 

A local committee meets monthly beginning in September of each year to commence the veteran placement process. Three families are involved in hosting a veteran – the actual host family, which houses the veteran, and two buddy families, which are on hand to lend support and assist in the veterans’ travel arrangements and activities as needed.

The New Jersey program is headquartered in Ridgewood, but participating families “don’t have to live next door,” said Schnaittacher. Families in Glen Rock, Teaneck, Franklin Lakes, Waldwick and even as far as Wayne have participated; the only requirement is the host family is able to drop their veteran off at the bus in Ridgewood each day and pick them up in the evening.

The host family is also expected to be with the veteran and attend various parties and activities organized by the committee, Schnaittacher said. 

But the more a host family gets involved in the program, the more they and the veteran will get out of it, stressed Curtin. She and her sister Pam fortunately had the time to participate in virtually every activity with Malihi and the other vets and threw themselves into the program.

“Within a couple of days, any hesitation seems to melt away. Eventually they can’t believe the outpouring of love,” said Curtin.

As with most Israeli veterans in the program, Malihi did not speak of his experience in the war during his stay with the Curtins. But he was clearly empowered by the groundswell of support he received from Zahal Shalom. Soon his natural war-bred wariness began to dissipate.

Eitan Matmon, a retired Israeli colonel and brigade commander who led the 2011 delegation and helped select the disabled soldiers for this year’s program, reiterated the extraordinary impact the relationship with the host families has on the veterans.

“It’s hard to explain, but something happened,” said Matmon, who also stayed with a host family in Bergen County this year. “We didn’t know the families, they didn’t know us. To accept us as they did is something special. This prescription was the right one .… no meal, just spirit.”

The host families benefit immensely from the exchange as well. The Curtins were forever changed by hosting Malihi, Meryl Curtin said, adding that she would host again as early as six months from now. While her family has yet to visit Israel, Curtin said she hoped to one day make the pilgrimage, in part because of the inspiration and passion imparted by Malihi.

“He taught me we take a lot for granted here. He doesn’t,” she said. “His life is simple. He has such an appreciation and zest for life that I was almost jealous of it.” 

Her only regret, she says, is that she couldn’t convey in words to Malihi precisely how much he affected and enriched her life because of the language barrier.

“But there’s a reason we cry when they leave. The one man who came here the most closed shared his whole life with us in a manner you never would’ve expected,” Curtin said. “He brought his nervousness with him; he left without it. I know he went home changed.”

Malihi expressed as much during a tearful speech at a farewell dinner culminating the veterans’ two-week stay. The emotional moment was captured by one of the dinner attendees in this YouTube video.

Speaking through a translator, Malihi grew tearful as he tried to convey the enormity of his once-in-a-lifetime experience.

“What they did to me … it’s uncountable,” the veteran said. “I promise you, the day I leave here I will be your soldier. I will be your ambassador. Wherever I go in Israel I will tell them the story about the experience. I will not forget you. I am your ambassador forever.”

If you are interested in becoming involved as a host or buddy family, visit the Zahal Shalom website or e-mail Richard Schnaittacher at rss@aetrex.com.