And All Have Come To A Most Bitter End

"Dear, I'll stay gold just to keep these pasts at bay. To keep the loneliest of nights from claiming you and to keep the longest of days from waking you." - "Concubine"

     Converge's fourth album "Jane Doe" is a masterpiece in metallic hardcore. It was released on September 4, 2001 to much deserved critical acclaim. This album excelled in everything: music, lyrics and artwork. Vocalist Jacob Bannon has also created quite a portfolio, working for many bands beside his own musical endeavors (which I can think of four bands he is committed to), creating visually stimulating album covers and layouts. His artwork has been shown in numerous galleries and he also runs his own record label, Deathwish Inc. "Jane Doe" is a beautifully sad and discordant opus. There is fury and sorrow, anger and melody (Kind of). It brings me to certain place when I listen to it.

     I can picture the autumn and winter months that followed the album's unveiling in 2001, I was twenty years old. I think I bought the CD on the first day it was available. It reminds me of a distinct time in my life when I was going through some things emotionally. I was surrounded by great people and still managed to have good times but I was definitely unhappy. I resonated with the ongoing theme of the record which is basically loss, Jacob Bannon wrote the lyrics that dealt with his own personal experience, the break up of a relationship and how that made him feel. It was not just the lyrics that I could relate to, I could and I appreciated them immensely. Still do. It was everything.  The music that Kurt Ballou, Nate Newton and Ben Koller orchestrated with the agonized vocals of Jacob sounded the way I felt inside. A maelstrom of emotions. One moment an outburst of spastic heartache and the next a droning of a sound that resembles disappointment and regret as on "Hell To Pay" and "Jane Doe". It just fit right into a place where I needed it to be.

     I spent a considerable amount of time not sleeping and writing. I wrote a terrible, terrible short story. I listened to "Jane Doe" over and over, both listening and half listening while I tried to use writing as therapy. Poorly masking my true feelings in characters that were so obvious. That is not what made the story bad, it was me. My lack of craft. I'm guilty even now. So I  lied on my stomach in my bed, in the basement of a house I didn't want to live in. It was a mattress on the floor, with too many blankets and pillows but that is my preference. I wrote freehand on loose leaf sheets, devouring no. 2 pencils as quickly as I could transfer my thoughts to paper. I wanted to convey something in the story. I wanted to give my feelings, however childish and untrue, some sort of weird credibilty. To prove how deeply I felt about whatever in my writing. A decade later I still am trying to prove that my feelings are legitimate. I still want the same things now that I wanted then when I felt destitute and alone in that basement. I was young and felt that there was no one for me. I had no direction, so I focused on relationships with women. Now I have some small sense of direction and still, I put so much in the thought of a relationship with someone meaningful. Its all so pathetic. I truly don't feel that way, though.  I don't think there is anything wrong with being honest with your words and hopefully yourself. If we were worried about appearing pathetic no one would share anything and I would dislike this world more than I already do. I am glad I spent those nights writing that story. I am also glad no one is reading it. I am happy that Jacob Bannon was not worried about exposing himself when he penned those lyrics. I am happy that as a collective, Converge was not preoccupied with what people might think about their music as they created it. Moral of the story is be honest with yourself and how you feel, even if in time those feelings change, there were true in the moment. All you really have is the moment at hand, so go with it. 

At least in the dark where I'm searching for meaning

when I'm just searching for something

I want out. - "Jane Doe"

I am aware that Converge is not for everyone, but the lyrics are worth reading. If there are any bands or specific albums that hold rank in your memory, I would love to hear about it.

Converge is playing  with Burning Love, Trap Them and more at Santos Party House on May 25. Maybe I will see you there, If I ever go and get tickets.

Santos Party House

96 Lafayette Street
New York, NY 10013
(212) 584-5492