Going Away to College vs Staying Home: One Family's Dilemma

I have a daughter Lauren who is nearly 17. For the past couple of years she has told me, “Mom, I’m 100 percent sure that I want to go away for college.”

She had several reasons for this choice. First, her brother chose to attend college while living at home, a decision he has often regretted these past three years (more on that in a future post). He spent the better part of those years impressing upon his sister why she must without fail go far, as far away as possible, for college. Second, she felt that she and I would get along better if she lived away from home and matured.

Reluctantly I began to accept that my younger child would go away for school. At first I was a little sad, but then I started to really wrap my mind around the idea, especially when I saw the cool dorm room items in the Bed Bath & Beyond fliers.

Fast-forward to a couple of months ago. “Um, Mom?” she began (never, ever, trust a conversation that begins with those two words. Walk away, in fact run if possible). “Yeah?” I replied warily. “I want to tell you something.” “Oh god,” my mind raced ahead. “Is it drugs? Alcohol? Teen pregnancy?” Two more months and then she would age out from ever qualifying as a cast member on the MTV show “16 and Pregnant.” Although “Teen Mom” is still a viable option. “I’ve reached a decision,” she continued. “Oh?” I countered. “Yes. I’m 99% certain that I want to stay home for college.” (Insert chirping crickets here.)

“WHAT??!” I eventually replied, with an audible “H” in the “what.” “You want to WHAT?” “Yeah,” she said. “I’ve decided that’s what I want to do.” I realized that she had said 99%, not 100%, so I thought I might still be able to get rid of her. “Are you sure about that?” I asked. “Think how many times Evan has wished he went away.” “This has nothing to do with Evan. I’m not Evan.” I wondered which of her friends had sent the memo that everyone was going to stay home for college. Unfortunately I wondered this out loud, which caused her to be quite unhappy with me. “Mom, I’m old enough to decide what I want, none of my friends told me what to do,” she declared with a heavy sigh and a dramatic eye roll. “I just think I’d be better off going to school and living at home.” Her reasoning was sound: she’d (we’d) save thousands on loans, she could have a car, she could work, and if her Crohn’s disease flared up she’d be able to get to her doctor easily. Plus, most important, the dog would miss her (OK, I added that one). “But what about our relationship? The maturing? The cool stuff I was gonna buy for your dorm room?” She would not be swayed. At least not right now. I think the looming SAT made the prospect of college far too real.

So, I unwrapped my mind from the idea of her going away for school and was actually glad that she would not be leaving the nest yet. I’m sure there will be times when I wish differently, and so will she. I just hope that she makes a decision based on what SHE wants, not anyone else. I also know she may change her mind again, as teenagers…hold on, wait a sec, here’s Lauren now. “Um, Mom?”