Honey, Have You Seen My Maroon Tie?

"Hon, have you seen my maroon tie?" he asks loudly. Awakening suddenly, I sit up, still in sleep mode and ask, "Whhhaaat?" Trying to keep my voice at a whisper, as to not wake the kids or myself, I try to focus. Peering through my heavy eyelids, I stare at this man, who has awoken me. "My maroon tie! Have you seen it?"

He is standing in front of his open closet which houses at least 40, if not more neckties; of every color, different designs and patterns. And yet, he is looking for the maroon tie. "You're kidding me, right?" Turning on my side, I lift the blanket and cover my head. I hear some rustling, and then the happy click of the light switch. He's gone. Back to precious sleep for another sweet hour.

Each morning, my husband takes his clothing and shoes into the bathroom, so that he does not disturb my sleep with the light and possible noise, he may accidentally make. This morning was different, however. Light is on. "Kris! I can't find my maroon tie!" I can tell he is getting frustrated, and needs my assistance. From under the blanket, I answer with, "So, wear another color!"

"Look at me," he says in a demanding way. Slowly, I peek out from under the warm covering. "What do you want?! I see you are wearing a light blue shirt and navy jacket. Wear a navy tie, or a gray one..for heaven's sake! I cannot believe we are having this conversation at 6 a.m.!" I turn away from the man who has awoken me and for a split second, I desperately attempt to fall back asleep.

"Did you give my tie to Jerry?" he asks angrily. I toss off the blanket and sit up. "Did I give your TIE to Jerry?! What are you, insane?!! Why would I do that?!" I am now fully awake and any thought of returning to sleep has been axed. "I don't know! Maybe he needed a maroon tie!" he answered, feeling defeated.

Meanwhile, my oldest daughter is calling from her room, "What's going on in there? Stop talking!"

"Great! You've woken up the kids!" I say. "Put on the navy with gray stripes and go!!" Watching him, curious as to what he will do, I see him yank a gray tie off the tie rack, walk towards the bedroom door and shut the light. Within a few minutes, I hear the front door slam shut. He's off to work. As I lay there, I promise myself that I will go buy him another maroon tie. But promises made, so early in the morning are soon forgotten.

You may be wondering why my husband would involve me in this strange matter. If he can't find his tie, why would he think I have an inkling of its whereabouts? Well, let's just say that he is Felix and I am Oscar, when it comes to our personal belongings. The reason he is faklempt about his tie is because he ALWAYS returns things where they belong. I, on the other hand, will use/wear something, and just return it to a 'spot'. Any hanger works for me. Any shelf is OK. Any drawer is good, as long as there is room in it. Mr. P. has a designated spot for all his "stuff." It may be the military that made him that way, the fire department, or just because, Men are From Mars!

Two weeks passed. It's 6 a.m. He turns on the light, walks to my side of the bed, and shakes my shoulder. I open my eyes. Staring me, in the face, is a tie clasp. I try to focus. He bends at the waist and says firmly, "Where is the maroon tie that was attached to this tie clasp?!" Who would have thought, that after a month, he would FIND the tie clasp that was attached to his maroon tie?! Did he remember which tie clasp was attached to that particular tie?  I had tossed it in his little wooden bowl, atop of the dresser. I thought I had BURIED it under all those pennies! I didn't know what to say!

I got up. I walked quickly to my triple dresser and opened the third drawer. Frantically, I moved around a few items. I was crazed. I seized the demonic maroon tie and flung it on to the bed! "There is your beloved maroon tie!" I shouted. He picked it up, or what was left of it. From a striking 57 inch, woolen maroon tie..it was now...maybe, 10 inches. "What the (expletive) happened to my tie?"

"I let your son wear it one day. It was picture day at school. He left it on the shirt. It went in the laundry. I didn't see it, because, because, well, I wasn't looking. Alright?! I washed it! Yes. I accidentally washed it! It shrunk. I was going to replace it, but I didn't. So, there you have it! Your stinkin' maroon tie. Wear it, if you want!!!"

There is a moral to this story. Wear it, but if you ruin it, replace it, immediately!!! Here is to undisrupted sleep, in the mornings!!    

Peace.