Why Do We Discriminate Against August?

Hey, what’s the deal? Here in the good ol’ US of A there are ten federal holidays. These are the big ones, when most Americans get a day off of work, unless you are in law enforcement or a TV news anchorperson, and they’re spread out over eight months (January and November are pigs, taking more than their share with two each). 

Months without a designated federal holiday still get a minor holiday that almost everyone celebrates. March has St. Patrick’s Day. April has April Fools Day. June has Father’s Day. I am not discussing any hardcore religious only holidays here like Ramadan, Easter or Chinese New Year or Rushing-to-Hashanah-the Jewish High Holidays, which seem to come faster each year).            

And August has nothing. Nada, nil, zip and zilch! That’s right, presently we are cruising through a month without any holidays. And it’s just not fair. Plus it’s a long month too.

Thirty one long, hot, sweltering, (peppered with the occasional killer, grapefruit sized hail storms) holiday free days. February, the shortest month, has Groundhog Day, President’s Day, Valentine’s Day (and Superbowl Sunday). There’s barely time to recover from one party before getting the next one started. How do you think that makes August fee?l (so sad that in 2009 it signed up for therapy, but could not muster the insurance co-pays).

Sure, you can do a Google search and find piles of unknown, strange Hallmark created holidays in August. Every month has a bunch of these crazy, fictional holidays. But they’re like our coxic bones – nobody knows why they’re here, where they come from or what to do with them. And even the ridiculous holidays in August are nothing to write home about. August has, for example, National Toasted Marshmallow day. Oh, goody, want s'more. Aug. 8 is Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night (don't believe me try Google search or snopes.com). Gather around the hearth, kids, it’s time to celebrate Mustard Day, without a hot dog?…mustard?…hooray?

And why shouldn’t August get a good holiday? August is a wonderful month.  It does have middle child day, but you can’t treat it like an albino stepchild. Let me share with you some fascinating facts about this amazing month. Did you know that the birthstone for August is peridot?  Now you may ask, what the hell is peridot?  Is that even a word? Yes it is. (It is the vivid green gemstone, with just a slight hint of gold and is the ideal color to go with that light summer wardrobe, sunglasses at night and new flip flops).

Okay, so I might stand corrected…there are no amazing facts about August. Wouldn’t that be all the more reason it needs a holiday? If there is any month that needs a break from itself, it’s August (and I do not want you to email my busy editor about the importance of a birthday, anniversary, graduation from court ordered summer school or summer camp).

This is middle August , and I’m already getting tired of it.  Imagine how we’ll feel in a couple of weeks. So, how am I going to do it? How will I give August a holiday? Never fear, I did some research and found a trend. On Aug. 1, 1981, MTV debuted. On Aug. 5, 1985, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame was established. On Aug. 12, 1877, Thomas Alva Edison invented sound recording. 

Woodstock took place from Aug. 15–17 in 1967. The first licensed radio broadcast was Aug. 20, 1920. On Aug. 22, 1906, the record player was patented. And three days later, the 45 record spacer was invented.

You see where I’m going with this?  Of course, August should have a holiday celebrating...transistors? NOPE, even better, Music. Yes, that would be National Music Day, the third Monday in August. If everyone gets on board, we could get this thing passed by Congress (they don’t seem to be too busy, now that the ceiling debt has been raised to the height of the Sistine chapel with extra dormer room). We could pick  a musical celebrity as a grand marshal like Christopher Plummer, Sheena Easton or Jim Neighbors. 

We can celebrate with concerts in the park, recitals, one man band street performers and excessive humming to Broadway show tunes. I can’t wait. It’s either this or National Peridot Day, you decide.