When a Word Isn't Enough

I called a boy “diffident” last week.

He posted one of those surveys that makes its way around the internet.  The ones that ask you to rate or describe the person who sent it to you. Tell me something completely honest about me. Or,  If my life were a song title what would it be?  You’ve seen them before. I usually avoid these much in the same way I avoid invitations to sow my online friends’ virtual soybeans, but this survey gave me pause.

It wasn’t the survey itself, it was just that the boy who posted it was a former student I hadn’t spoken to in a while.  Truth is we have never spoken much.  He’s come to Levels a number of times over the years but has never stayed for long.

I thought of writing him back playfully and sarcastically.  It’s the kind of humor he would expect from me and I hoped maybe it would start a dialogue.  I thought of answering What is my best feature? with “spleen”.  Something light and ridiculous.  But I changed my mind.

As long as I have known this student he has come across moody and guarded.  His jaw is held clenched; his hands often move unconsciously to fists as he walks.  I’ve heard him described as angry but to me he always seems pained.  He deflects personal questions.  He’s practiced in the art of changing subjects.

So I dismissed the idea of breaking the ice with light sarcasm.  Icebreakers have never worked with him before.

I answered his survey earnestly.  Do you think I have any tattoos?  No.  If I ever hurt you do you think I would apologize?  Yes.  If we hung out what would you want to do?  Play Frisbee and talk about life.  If you could describe me in one word, what would it be? Diffident.

I’ll be honest.  The first words I thought of were “self-conscious” and “constrained”.  But they didn’t capture what I was trying to say.  I was trying to say, "you seem like a wonderful person who is scared to show the world how deeply you feel and how much you have to say and just how wonderful you actually are."  But there’s no word for that.  So I settled for “Diffident”.

He didn’t reply.  Maybe you can’t expect to start a conversation by reducing a person to one word.  I wonder if he’d agree to come outside and have a catch.

Ethan Mann is the Director of Levels, the Great Neck Library's teen center.  Read more about him by viewing his .