Politics & Government
Scientists Say Alien Star Sideswiped Our Solar System
A satirical look at current events!
Scientists Say Alien Star Sideswiped Our Solar System: Astronomers say that some 70,000 years ago, when humans and Neanderthals shared the planet, an alien star streaked through the outer edges of our solar system and jostled its contents. That does it- we need to erect a wall around our solar system and we need to get the Andromeda galaxy to pay for it!
Bored 6-Year-Old Discovered a 65-Million-Year-Old Fossil: A 6-year-old girl got bored while watching her sister’s JV soccer game in Bend, Oregon - wandered away from the field and started digging in a nearby bush and uncovered a 65-million-year-old fossil. After hearing about the little girl’s find, President Trump immediately recommended she be appointed Chairman of Paleontology for the National Museum of Natural History.
Massive Crowds Turn Out for DC March for Our Lives: Hundreds of thousands of people have turned out for the March for Our Lives event in Washington DC to demand an end to gun violence. While he didn’t attend any of the marches held around the country, President Trump did show his support by spending the day golfing at Mar-a-Lago and drafting executive orders to discriminate against transgender people in the military.
Find out what's happening in New York Cityfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Millions Participate in Global Switch-Off for Climate Change Awareness: Millions of people around the world switched off their lights for Earth Hour in an attempt to raise awareness about climate change and other environmental issues. And even though I was totally unaware this event was going on, I was still able to actively participate in the “lights off” activities due to the fact that I had forgotten to pay my electric bill.
Find out what's happening in New York Cityfor free with the latest updates from Patch.
Angry Customer Attacks Golden Arches at Oregon McDonald’s: Police say a 37-year-old man has been arrested after he destroyed a banner and then attacked the golden arches at a McDonald’s restaurant in western Oregon, this happening after employees refused to make him 30 double cheeseburgers. Of course, the over-arching question which has to be asked is - if he used a bow and arrow to attack those golden arches, would it still be considered archery?
Trump Names War Hawk John Bolton as National Security Adviser: President Trump announced he will be naming Fox News commentator and conservative firebrand John Bolton, who recently advocated the US pull a preemptive nuclear strike on North Korea and Iran. Between starting a trade war with China and the EU, along with Bolton’s appointment - Wall Street cautions they may be forced to downgrade the President’s status from "Moron" to “Imbecile.” On the plus side, if Trump continues his efforts to send the economy down the tubes, I suppose we wouldn’t be a very attractive target to North Korea and Iran anyway.
Kellyanne Conway Tells Students to Eat Ice Cream and Fries Rather Take Fentanyl: Kellyanne Conway, a counsel to the president who is in charge of overseeing the White House’s efforts to tackle the country’s opioid crisis, is calling for executing drug dealers and advising millennials considering taking the deadly drug fentanyl - to just eat ice cream and French Fries instead. Sounds like Trump and his team have this drug crisis all figured out - we’ll simply just KILL and eat our way out this epidemic.
Largest Baby Ever Born in California: A Northern California baby who weighed in at a whopping 16 pounds, 1.7 ounces has been named the largest baby ever born in the state. Experts point out that while this is in fact a very big baby, it could never come close to being as big of a baby as Justin Bieber.
Man Returns Library Book 75 Years Late: An Estonian man has finally returned a library book that he took out during WW II - 75 years late. The book is 75-years overdue? All I can say is this is either one long book or this guy’s simply the world’s slowest reader.
Study Suggests Obesity Dulls Sense of Taste: According to new research, obesity dulled the sense of taste in mice by as a much as 25%, information which scientists hope can be used to provide insights into treating human obesity. Come on - what difference does it make if overweight mice lose 25% of their sense of taste? I mean, it’s not like their into fine dining or anything.
Kellyanne Conway Considering White House Communications Director Role: The Atlantic is reporting that Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway is close to accepting the position of White House communications director. After issues with previous communications director Hope Hicks, all potential candidates must now submit to a lie detector test to get the job - but in the case of the Trump Administration, its more to determine how proficient they are at lying.
Zuckerberg Admits Facebook Made Some Mistakes: Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has broken his days-long silence over a data scandal that has engulfed his company, admitting that the social networking site has “made mistakes” and promises to rectify the situation. Oh my gosh - apparently we've created this online service which can be exploited by billionaires and neo-fascist operatives to undermine democracy - oops!
Trump Called Putin to Congratulate Him on His Election Victory: President Trump told reporters that he called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, and plans to meet with the Russian President in the near future, but did not discuss the recent nerve-agent attack in Britain. What does Trump care about nerve gas attacks? Hell, Trump’s got his own private stash of nerve gas - Agent Orange!
Ben Carson Blames $31,000 Office Dining Set on His Wife: Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) Secretary Ben Carson told the House Appropriations Committee that it was actually his wife, Candy, who purchased the $31,000 dining set for his office on taxpayers' dime - because he doesn’t like becoming involved in decorating. Gee, I guess in this administration, a women’s place is apparently under a bus. Well, at least this time they didn’t blame Obama.
Triceratops May Have Had Horns to Attract Mates: A study published in a Royal Society journal found that the aggressive-looking armor of horned dinosaurs such as Triceratops, may actually have evolved to signal an animal's suitability as a sexual partner - known as socio-sexual selection. Or, to put it another way, these guys were pretty damned horny.
