White House Communications Director Hope Hicks Resigning

White House Communications Director Hope Hicks Resigning: Just one day after testifying in front of the House Intelligence Committee and acknowledging having told little “white lies” for President Trump, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks is resigning. This has some analysts wondering whether the Administration will be able to find another such loyal and trusted employee as Hicks. Hell, if you ask me - that’s the least of their concerns. Just watch Fox News some evening and you’ll quickly find there’s no shortage of “hicks” out there - willing to lie and cheat for this administration.

Three Space Station Astronauts Land in Kazakhstan: Three members of the Expedition 54 crew aboard the International Space Station (ISS), returned to Earth on after months in space, landing at a site southeast of the remote town of Dzhezkazgan in Kazakhstan. In a rather embarrassing moment for local officials, the astronauts took a quick look around Kazakhstan and demanded they immediately be shot right back up into space.

Republican Claims Holocaust Happened Because Jews Weren’t Armed: In an attempt to counter all the demands for gun legislation after the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School mass shooting, Republican Congressman Don Young told a group of fellow Republicans that if Jews had been heavily armed during the Holocaust, they would still be alive today. Excellent point he’s making! Good grief, if only Anne Frank had just had the foresight to run down to her local gun shop and purchase herself a bunch of automatic weapons and lots of ammo, I’m sure she could effortlessly fought off the German Army. Or, better yet - as President Trump and the NRA are advocating - they should have just armed the school teachers.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Trump Claims He Would Rescue Students Without Weapon: President Trump renewed his criticism of an armed sheriff’s deputy who failed to enter a high school in Parkland, Florida, during a mass shooting this month, saying he would have run into the building even if he did not possess a weapon. Good for him, because as we all know - about the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun - is a bad President without one.

Drunken Man Rides Horse Onto California Freeway: Authorities say a drunken California man was arrested and booked after riding his horse onto a busy freeway near Long Beach. The man’s attorney says he plans to plead not-guilty and is blaming the entire incident on those damn Apple Maps.

New Snail Goo Technology Could Replace Stitches: Biologists are working on a new medical first-aid made from “snail goo” which could render stitches and staples obsolete because of its ability to stick to wet surfaces and its flexibility to bend with skin tissue. Sadly, researchers say it may be a long time before this ever hits the market because development is moving at just a snail’s pace.

New “Poop Pill” Could Help Infection Victims: Scientists say a "poop pill" - a capsule that contains fecal microbes from a family member - may hold the key to healing an infection that kills 14,000 Americans and sickens more than a half-million each year. Geez, as if most of us don’t already take enough crap from our families, now someone invented a pill for that?

Self-Doubt Also Found in Animal Kingdom: Humans aren't the only animals filled with self-doubt as a recent study found that monkeys often question their own thinking as well. Yea, like “what the hell was I thinking when I volunteered for that UCLA castration study?”

Selling More Than Just Donuts and Coffee: A 29-year-old woman working the night shift at Dunkin’ Donuts faces prostitution charges for allegedly taking breaks from selling donuts and coffee to provide sexual services in exchange for money. Yea, probably not the smartest idea, considering most of your customers are gonna be cops.

FBI Looks Into Russian Funding of Trump Campaign Through NRA: Its being reported that the FBI is investigating whether Russian banker Alexander Torshin, who has very close ties to Vladimir Putin, funneled money through the National Rifle Association (NRA) into Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Wow, it looks like the NRA may have been Putin a bunch of Russian money right in their pockets. Its comforting to know the Russians are generous enough to spend their own hard-earned money to ensure our country’s trailer parks remain heavily armed.

Scientists Listen For Sounds Volcanoes Make Just Before Erupting: According to a new study, eavesdropping on the rumblings of a volcano may help scientists predict when an eruption is coming. Yea, if you can believe what they say. If you ask me, most of what comes out of a volcano’s mouth is just a bunch of hot air.

NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre Addresses Florida School Shootings: During a speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre addressed the recent Florida school shooting where 17 people died by repeating the old NRA slogan, “the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun. Yea, well if I were Wayne LaPierre, I think I’d be a little careful of what you wish for - because, after this umpteenth, needless gun tragedy of the year, I would assume there’s quite a few people out there who are starting to think of him as “a bad guy with a gun.”

Study Finds Neanderthals Not Humans Were Earth First Artists: Researchers say Neanderthals were painting on cave walls in Spain 65,000 years ago - tens of thousands of years before modern humans even arrived. Yea, well if you ask me, that was the least of their accomplishments. What I wanna know is, how in the hell were they able to convince saber-toothed tigers to sit still long enough to get their portraits painted on cave walls?

Home Where Jeffrey Dahmer Committed First Murder for Sale: The childhood home where cannibalistic serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer committed his first murder is up for sale near Cleveland, Ohio. While I’m no real estate expert, my guess is that someone will buy it and immediately turn it into either a rib joint or a body shop. Now I have no idea what they're asking, but you can bet they'd want an arm or a leg for a property like that.

Florida Lawmakers Find Porn More Dangerous Than Assault Weapons: Students from Florida’s Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, where 17 kids were recently murdered and scores injured in yet another mass shooting - were left in tears after their pleas for rational assault weapon laws were ignored by Florida lawmakers, who’ve decided that porn is a much more pressing public health risk than assault weapons. That’s interesting because - I’m pretty sure at this point, any definition of “obscene” would surely have to include these Florida lawmakers. And I wonder how long before one of these brave lawmakers - protecting us from porn, will be busted with a huge stash of porn on their own computer? On a positive note, guess the NRA now has themselves a brand new slogan, “Guns don’t kill, nudie pictures do.”

US Hate Groups Proliferate in Trump’s First Year: The Southern Poverty Law Center found that the number of U.S. hate groups expanded dramatically last year under President Donald Trump’s administration, fueled by his immigration stance and the perception that he sympathized with those espousing white supremacy. In response to this criticism, Trump officials are now urging everyone considering joining a “hate” group to turn it down a notch - and join a group that’s just a wee bit peeved instead.

Comedian’s Estranged Husband Sues Her for Defamation: UK stand-up comedian Louise Reay is asking people to contribute to her crowdfunding page, after being sued by her estranged husband for allegedly defaming him in her show. Yea, well all I can say is, once Donald Trump leaves office - he’d better hope Melania doesn’t have any comedic ambitions.

Trump EPA Chief Has Unusual Waiver to Fly in First Class: The Environmental Protection Agency is refusing to release the written waiver that allows Administrator Scott Pruitt to fly regularly in first or business class for security reasons - a practice that sets him apart both from his predecessors and other current Cabinet members. I get it - I mean, if you’re the head of an agency promoting a clean environment, the last thing you wanna do is be associated with all that disgusting filth sitting back in coach.

Bill Gates Announces Foundation to Focus on Conquering Polio: Bill Gates announced that one of the top priorities of his foundation will be to finally completely wipe out polio. If successful conquering polio, Gate’s will then focus on ridding humanity of what he considers to be an even bigger plight - the Mac Operating System.

Laura Ingraham Thinks Athletes Should Shut Up and Dribble: Fox News host Laura Ingraham is being accused of racism after she replied to NBA star LeBron James’ statement that “Donald Trump doesn’t “give a f**k about the people” by saying athletes like him should stay out of politics and just “shut up and dribble.” Now let’s see here, we have a loud-mouthed reality star, a bully, a pathological liar, a serial philanderer and misogynist and - possibly even a traitor currently sitting in the White House. Given that, I think I’d rather listen to LeBron James' thoughts and concerns about the world situation anytime before I would Donald Trump’s. Gee, wonder if Laura Ingraham’s ever suggested that Donald Trump “shut up?”

Apple Employees Repeatedly Walking Into Glass Walls on New Campus: While Apple’s new spaceship campus if a sight to behold, Bloomberg is reporting that distracted employees are repeatedly banging into Apple’s glass-walled workspaces. The situation has reportedly become so bad, that many female employees are now begging Apple to please return back to the old “glass ceiling” days, just to protect themselves from further concussions.

NRA Claiming Florida School Shooter Was Mentally Ill: As they tend to do every time there is a mass killing, the NRA and gun advocates are once again claiming the shooter (Nikolas Cruz) was mentally ill and what we need are more mental health services, not gun regulations. Now I rarely find myself in agreement with the NRA, but now that pics and videos are surfacing showing Nikolas Cruz wearing a “Make America Great” cap, I’m inclined to agree with them that he must be mentally ill.

http://www.johnnyrobish.com

Study Finds Milky Way Galaxy Will Not Be Eaten By Andromeda: Scientists say new research is showing that our own Milky Way galaxy will not be eaten by our closest neighbor galaxy Andromeda as was previously thought. A NASA spokesperson said our tests indicate the Andromeda galaxy is most likely lactose intolerant, so consuming a Milky Way galaxy would not be a smart food choice for our neighbor Andromeda.

Musk's Tesla Will Stay in Space for Millions of Years: Analysis by Czech and Canadian researchers determined that the Tesla roadster Elon Musk launched into space is likely to stay there for tens of millions of years before finally crashing into either Earth or Venus. Automotive experts are quick to caution anyone hoping to snag themselves a cheap Tesla at that time - that the warranty and any price incentives will most likely have long run out on the vehicle by then.

Man Holds Up Waffle House With Pitchfork: Police have arrested a man who used a pitchfork to rob a Waffle House restaurant just northeast of Atlanta. So I’m asking myself “why on earth would anyone commit a robbery with a pitchfork?” And then it hit me - the devil made him do it.