Didn't See The Signs of Sexual Abuse

Dear Meredyth:

Growing up i had a friend that lived in the same town as me, we were in the same school, and hung out with each other a lot. However, this girl was a bit annoying, could lie about stuff, her father was an alcoholic and my mother didn't like her. She would often beg me to let [her] sleep over at our house, my mother always said no. I wasn't bothered either. Anyway when i was at her house i would often notice, what i now know to be condoms in their wrappers, laying on window ledges. After a while i asked her what they were doing there, she just said "My Dad leaves them there" i thought nothing more of it and never really wondered too much what they actually were (i was young) Through the course of our friendship, my friend confided in me that she had had sex, however would't ever say who with, she also had told me that she had seen her mom and dad having sex, again i just thought it was a good story and nothing more about it. I then moved house, went to a different school and lost touch with this friend. 

Years later, i found out one of her sisters had commited suicide and the other younger sister had then spoken out against the father and said that all three of the children had been abused by him as long as they could remember.  Of course i felt terrible that this freind had been trying to reach out and i being so young had missed all the signs. Now in the age of Facebook, i have since reconnected with this friend.

This is the question part, i really want to acknowledge what happened to her, and tell her i am sorry for all those times she wanted to sleep at my house and i never begged my mom to let her. But, is it my place, because i would be doing this to make me feel better, because how could me bringing this up make her feel better, i don't know, its just been bothering me on and off for a few years now.  So should i say something or not?

Thanks,

Old Friend

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Dear Old Friend,

You hit the nail on the head, you would be discussing this with her to make you feel better, which makes PERFECT sense! 

So, should you say something?  I say no!  You don't know if this is something that this woman has put in her past, and it is not up to you, or anyone, to resurrect. You could continue to reconnect with her (if that is what you want), and if she brings this up to you, address it all at that time.  That being said, you could say how you were sorry to hear about her sister that passed away.

You need to forgive yourself for not knowing.  You need to forgive yourself for not being able to save your friend.  No matter how many nights you could have had her spend the night at your house, you could have never saved her or her sisters from their father.  There was no way for you, at such a young age, to know about "signs" or issues of this nature.

If she ever decides to bring up what happened to her, then you can tell her how sorry you are, just be careful that she doesn't have to comfort you, for what happened to her.

Until then, it is her past, to keep in the past.

Here to help,

Meredyth