Happy Mother's Day!

I have been told I am an over thinker, and there is absolute truth in that statement.  I can think something to death, resurrect it, and suck the life right back out of it.  It is a gift :-)  I wonder how others *don't* think like I do.  I have to weigh the ins, outs, goods, bads, possibles, impossibles of a situation.  Ironically, some of the biggest impactful moments on my life happened when, you guessed it, I didn't think something to death.

On the eve of Mother's Day 2013, with one child with her cousin, another on a movie marathon and knots in my shoulders the size of Texas from said movie addict, I am in a bittersweet place emotionally.

I have eluded to the now non-existent relationship I have with my parents.  I have rehashed my own medical opinion (ha! yes, I have those) as to what I find is the foundation for my mother's lack of relationships with anyone but my father.  Well she had a "relationship" with me and my kids up until Father's Day last year.  I'd rather not rehash what I think is psychologically driving this situation but suffice to say, over the last year I have done lots of thinking on the breakdown of our relationship.

I knew deep down at a fairly young age that my relationship with her would be precarious at best.  I also realized it was me holding the card that dictated if she was in my life or not and, as a result, in my kid's life or not.  I didn't want to play that card, I really didn't.  See, if one is too toxic to be a part of their flesh and blood child's life, they are too toxic to be a part of their grandchild's life.  It made no sense whatsoever to say it was unhealthy to have her around me but, in effort to satisfy her dictating my life, let her see my kids.

I made that move last June and I seriously haven't looked back.  For the first time in my life I can say I am, unequivocably, living my own life.  My decisions, my call.  I reap the reward or pay the piper if I screw up.  Only took me 38 years but, eh, better late than never.  But the last almost year has also made me really realize things I let scratch the surface of my thoughts through the years but now was forced to stare dead in the face.  It is apparent there is a genetic link to this psychological issue and it scares me to death, and has for some time, that I may slip into the role my mother, her mother and God knows how many  mothers before that fell into.  I am comforted by the fact that most people who are truly profoundly psychologically ill do not question their own psychological well being.  Think about it - the most "off normal" (trying not to be offensive here) people you know, encounter, read interviews with - hell, they all think they got it and the rest of are stone cold loco.  Or, as my inner circle says, crazy doesn't question itself.  To that end, I have made promises to myself and my children, they go as follows:

To my Gabbie and my Will, you each chose me to help guide your path here in this life and I appreciate and am humbled by your belief in me and the greatness of this job.  Sometimes in life, when you don't know what you have to do, it is sometimes clearer and more beneficial to know what you should *not* do.  That is where I find myself more frequently.  Gabrielle - keep this blog entry.  Print it, screen shot it, however you have to capture it.  Put it in a time capsule and in the future, when you too have the honor of being a mom, pull it out when your oldest has hit the ten year mark.  Tell me how much rings true.

So to you, my beautiful, amazing, smart, funny, sometimes annoying, always exhausting (!) children, I promise you this:

I promise you giggles at inappropriate times, because sometimes it is exactly the medicine needed.

I promise you to always hear how you are feeling and acknowledge it.  Your feelings are just as valid as mine and everyone elses.  No more so and no more less.  I may not agree with them, but I will always acknowledge them and never, ever put you down for feeling them.

I promise to try to always speak to you in constructive ways, even in disagreement.  I will make a point to steer clear of anything that could be seen as condescending or undermining of you and your life.

I promise to never throw in your face something you said earlier in your life.  For example Gabbie, when your children are born and you are exhausted and scared and stressed and just need a good cry, I swear I will not look you in the face and say "are you really going to do that that way?  Well when you were 13 you said you would NEVER do that."  You can hold me to that one :-)

I promise to always hug you when you need it, wipe away a tear because you hurt, and just listen without trying to fix.  The first boy who breaks your heart Gabbie, better run and go into the witness protection program, but once I get back from that I promise you chick flicks, ice cream and boxes upon boxes of kleenex.  Then we will burn everything he ever gave you.  It is cathartic, trust me.

I promise to always push you just enough to try things that will shape you and your interests early in life.  Your education and extracurricullars are so important in shaping the people you will be later in life.  Will, I promise you I will never stop learning, talking, educating myself and others and seeking new and innovative ways to give you the best life I can possibly give you.  Gabbie, I promise you I will make you try things that make you a touch uncomfortable, things I know as your mom you would excel at, things you never would have thought out.  The only way to shape who you are is by trying new things.  It is good to be uncomfortable once in a blue moon.

I promise to never talk to either of you with sarcasm, disapprovement and snark in my voice.  There will be no "you're wearing THAT?  you're dating HIM?  you want to major in WHAT?".  This is your life and doing what I want you to may make me momentarily happy but it will kill our relationship and rob you of the life you were meant to live.

I promise not to impart on either of you the prejudices, opinions, and judgments I possess and those that were imposed on me.  You both are part of me and I made you - you are perfect just being you.  If you are happy then I and every and anyone who loves you needs to be happy, too.

Gabbie - this last decade of our life has been interesting to say the least.  Please, please, please learn from my mistakes, my poor choices and my slip ups.  You will make plenty of your own mistakes and you will learn, but just know that the way I went was not the most productive, least painful path babe.  I would travel it again because it brought me to you and your brother but, dang, some of those bumps could have been cushioned.

Travel the world, taste the cuisine, smell the fresh air, meet the people and experience LIVING this life.  There is so, so, so much more than this little corner of NE Ohio we currently know.  I know it is daunting now,  but trust there will be a day you want to spread your wings and fly.  I will always be the wind lifting you up and will always be here if you need to come home (your room may be a library but . . . ).

Perhaps the best thing I can teach you is this:  Prince Charming exists only in books and movies, life is not easy and relationships take work.  Never expect more from someone than you, yourself, could give in a situation.  Forgive people darling, at least once.  Every one of us is learning and we all make mistakes.  Do not let hard times and people's flaws taint the sweetness of loving someone completely and without abandon.  Money doesn't grow on trees.  Work hard to get it, play hard with it, but be smart.  Doing things for yourself is the most rewarding thing you can experience.  It is nice to be taken care of, it is powerful to take care of yourself.  Never settle for less than everything you want.  When you compromise your standards, you open the door to be treated less than you deserve.  That is never ok.

Beyond everything, know that I love you, more than I could ever type, say, think, show.  The best gift I can have this Mother's Day is the time to spend it with you both.  Thanks for keeping me honest, I am blessed, honored and so very proud to be your mom!  And, yes, as much as I think, I talk.  Sorry ;-)

To my mom friends - I love you all!  You inspire me daily to be my best and give my all.  Happy Mother's Day!