#OccupyBerea

So. I've heard that the Cleveland Browns aren't too good at this whole "football" thing.

We hear it from everyone - the media, the interwebz, the annoying guy in the next cubicle who thinks the whole thing is a grand conspiracy against Cleveland masterminded by the Obama administration. 

The truth is - we absolutely suck. But we as fans have not a single ounce of power to turn around the fortunes of this team.
 

Or do we?

I am a control freak at times and feeling powerless is not in my nature. I stormed out of a Brownie meeting in third grade and never looked back. I have never wanted to be at the mercy of evil scout troop leaders, teachers, or even my parents. And I REFUSE to be at the mercy of Mike Holmgren and his cavalcade of football clowns. 
 

In other words, I am prepared to storm out of THIS Brownie meeting.

I'm starting a movement of epic proportions to make this team better. Or at least waste a lot of people's time and vast government resources.
 

BROWNS FANS, it’s time to band together and UNIONIZE this Factory of Sadness. 

Here are some of my ideas. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

1) Brown-Out 2011

Browns fans STAY HOME! Don’t attend home games, watch or listen to them. Don’t buy Browns merchandise. If someone talks about the Browns, carry duct tape around with you and put it over their mouth. Brown is a bad word. If your last name is Brown, change it. Treat the team as if they are Lord Voldemort.

2) Mutiny on the Brown-ty

Use a clever ruse to trick the team, coaches and front office into a trip on the Good Time III. Ensure it is not a good time by throwing them overboard. Not to be too cruel, we’ll make sure the shoreline is within sight. But just having to swim through that cold, nasty green water filled with floating dead fish will send a message. I’m not quite sure what that message is, but we sure will send it.

3) Million Fan March

Organize a million people who used to be fans or are currently massively P.O.’d at the Browns. I’m sure you won’t have to look too hard. Break through the gates in Berea and march onto the practice field. Bring your dogs. Clean-up bags and pooper scoopers will be immediately confiscated and any attempts to sneak them in will be met with an absurdly high fine. Next, march over to the field house and to the executive offices. Find Holmgren, Heckert & Shurmur. Let your dogs bark, bite, snarl or growl at or lick them until it hurts.

4) Snack Attack

Throw Flamin’ Hot Cheetos at the Browns and coaches. At best, the flying snacks will annoy and antagonize them. At worst, the cheesy coating will get in their eyes and slightly burn them until rinsed with water by the training staff.

5) Sneak Snack Attack

Hide in the bushes or behind the bleachers or giant Gatorade bucket. Jump out at players and coaches. Do #4. It will gently startle them. You will laugh at their surprised expressions. And that will make them feel kind of bad for a few seconds.

6) #OccupyBerea

Be the 99% who are angry about this team. March around. Stage a sit in. Sing folk songs. Make silly signs with related hashtags such as #OccupyMikeHolmgrensWinnebago and #OccupyShurmursPantry. You don’t have to be political. Just have fun.

7) Vigilante Justice

Warehouse District valet by day. Browns vigilante by night.

Get bitten by a radioactive bug. Get super powers. Make a very tight spandex costume. Wear said costume under your valet uniform. “Get even” with Browns players and coaches by beating them up outside their favorite hangouts such as XO Prime Steaks and the Barley House. Then go get their car.

8) Comedy

If all else fails, make ‘em laugh. Convince Randy Lerner that what this team needs is some FUNNY! Use Lerner money to hire Tyler Perry (I heard he’s supposed to be funny or something) to do a new sitcom called "Beat the Browns". The title has a dual meaning. And dual meanings are FUNNY. See, every team out there can BEAT the Browns. And we can also BEAT the Browns by using #7. Boldly suggest Tyler Perry play all the parts to keep costs down. It will be especially hilarious to see Madea as bumbling Coach Pat Shurmur.

How would YOU like to BEAT the Browns? Tell us below.

 

 

Kristen Kaleal is a professional wardrobe stylist who wishes she could make over the Browns' closets and take them shopping. And by "closets", she means offense. And by "shopping", she means buy Cleveland a whole new NFL team.

Bitter Orange & Brown is the only Cleveland Browns blog written by women. Follow us on Twitter @BitterOrang

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