Blotter Wings and Rocks

Oh Lakewood, how you keep your secrets from this new guy. Why didn’t anyone tell me about the real excitement that goes on in Lakewood? The excitement you can read about every week in the local police blotter?

The police blotter is the record of daily activities of police agencies, snippets of information that should probably be labeled “You’re NEVER Going to Believe this!” And for local police, it should probably be labeled “They never talked about any of this at the police academy.”

There you are, working your beat, keeping peace amongst the people of Lakewood. You get a call that some guy is throwing chicken wings at a passing truck. I mean, what do you do when you come across that scene?

“You, by the truck. Lower those chicken wings nice and easy… no sudden moves!”

You’ll never take me alive, coppers. This drumstick ought to do you in for good!”

Or the report of the guy who stole 73 CD’s from an apartment. CD’s? Really? Can you imagine him trying to make a sale on the street?

“Pssst… hey you! Wanna buy a CD?”

“CD? You mean that shiny round thing? How do I play that on my iPod and who the heck is Michael Bolton?”

But the best blotter report I saw recently was about a man who, while holding a rock wrapped in a rag, demanded money from a local couple. A rock in a rag? Sounds like something you’d buy off a late night infomercial:

“Get your very own Rock in a Rag for just $19.95. Terrorize your friends and family. Be the center of attention at your next party or school show-n-tell.”

Being confronted by a criminal in the street is never a happy occasion, but when it comes to meeting some guy threatening you with a rock, your best choice is to challenge him to a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors.”

“Ha! Rock doesn’t beat paper. Now scram before I call upon scissors to finish the job.”

Personally, I think the rock was no ordinary rock, but rather, a small sample of KRYPTONITE! Yes, the very rock that strikes fear into the protector of the planet, Superman.

What remains a mystery is how the suspect knew that Superman was in Lakewood. Could it be that Superman was out on a date – disguised as Clark Kent – with Lois Lane? And if so, how did the suspect know that Clark Kent and Superman are one in the same? Did Clark take Lois to Mahall’s for some bowling and if so, did Lois whip the pants off of Clark?

The blotter report said that the suspect was arrested by police, but whatever became of the Rock in a Rag? Well, all I can say is that if the police want Superman’s help, they’d better find and discard that rock, pronto.

Superman, if you’re reading this, please don’t desert the people of Lakewood. Let us at least make it up to you and treat you to some free chicken wings. I heard they’re still locked up in the police evidence room…