Cosmic Conception During Oregon Eclipse? A San Francisco Man Seeks A Mate

Oregonian reporter Lizzy Acker on Thursday shared a Craigslist advertisement worth reading. Disappointingly, the post has since been flagged for removal; but while it was live, it was … attention-grabbing, if nothing else.

The advertisement, posted Wednesday, Aug. 9, to the San Francisco Bay Area "activity partners" page, was conspicuously titled "Wanted woman who wants to conceive child during totality eclipse in OR."

Sounds like fun in the darkened sun, eh?

The writer begins with a basic introduction to himself and his attributes:

"I am 40 years of age, caucasian male from Europe. My heritage is strong and pure. My looks, instincts, knowledge and strength is 100% pure and 100% lethal."

He then explains what he's looking for in a partner, namely "a worthy female with strong genes, beauty and smarts."

He appears to be unsure of where he'd like to consummate the eclipse but describes in detail his ambition for the moment:

"When totality occurs, we will have simultaneous orgasms and we will conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution.

"We will make love together, with me and my penis directed towards the sun. Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets."

Descriptive and specific wording leaves no ambiguity for what any prospective respondent should expect at the meeting.

"In a brief moment of ecstasy, we will understand everything, and together, create a new universe. Full of love..."

Admittedly, that does sound kind of nice; I mean, who wouldn't want to create a new universe? But as Acker pointed out, his advertisement is biologically and astronomically misleading.

"Fertilization of an egg happens sometime after copulation, at the earliest several hours after sex and sometimes up to five days later," Acker explained. "Even a man with 100 percent lethal strength and a woman ovulating at the moment of sex won't become pregnant right away.

"And universes, even ones full of love, are not created by sexual intercourse."

Additionally, the writer, while ostensibly open to the infinite possibilities inherently associated with creating a new, sexually conceived universe — along with the next iteration of homo sapiens — he does have some distinct requests:

"You must like cats. Drugs are OK. Nitrous Oxide while we climax and experience totality and conception, is OK with me."

Seems like a reasonable guy. And even though the ad has since disappeared, Acker offered a suggestion for anyone who may still want to seek this cosmic Casanova.

"If you are interested in conceiving a child with the poster from California, point seven clear crystals towards the sun at noon during a waning moon, smudge the area and light a beeswax candle shaped like a raccoon, then scream a primal scream," she wrote. "He will probably find you that way, as long as you can host."

Image: Doinkster via Pixabay.com