College Countdown IV: Good-Byes, Separation and Now What?

As a new college year dawns, anxiety rises in some parents preparing for their child to leave for school. As your child steps out the front door, he steps into a new chapter of life.  This scares some parents.

New York University’s Child Study Center’s (NYUCSC) website lists factors that contribute to anxiety and having a “hard time letting go:”

• Your child will be surrounded by people you do not know.
• Your child will live in an area you may be unfamiliar with.
• You will not be there to help him with challenges.

Anita E. Schneck, licensed marriage and family therapist in Lower Gwynedd, said, “Give yourself some reassurance. Your 18 years of nurturing and guiding established safe and healthy values for your child to use, especially regarding study habits, drugs, sex and money skills.”

Tanis Friesen Harms of Chester Springs, PA, echoed Schneck’s advice when describing her daughter who chose to attend school 2,330 miles from home in Calgary, Alberta. 

“We always kept in mind … we were training and equipping our children to become independent and productive adults,” she said.

NYUCSC’s website states: “Moving onto college represents a significant step toward adulthood. Whether the student lives at home or goes away to attend college, the move represents an emotional separation for both parents and child. 

As your child readies to leave, you may experience a college version of Bridezilla. The know-it-all, ornery, not-as-helpful child is in a temporary state, Schneck said. 

The parent needs to recognize this is the child’s way of creating independence from the family, said Schneck.

“Try to deal with understanding and patience as much as possible, knowing he will be calling later asking for money,” she said.

Schneck said once your child gets to college, he will recognize and adjust his behaviors on his own.

During orientation, follow your child’s lead, urges Schneck. 

“Let him guide, by what he would like to do the first couple of days,” she said.

Before leaving campus, Schneck offers these tips:

• Talk about how often you will have contact—follow your child’s lead.
• Offer to be there as a resource for your child.
• Respect your child's boundaries.

NYUCSC’s website states, "Be explicit in your wishes. If [you] expect a weekly phone call… say so.” 

But, Schneck advises a parent to temper wishes by negotiating respectfully with the child to arrive at an agreement.

When it is time to say good-bye, a Virginia Tech official told a Malvern, PA, dad (who wants to remain anonymous) and other parents during orientation not to linger or get too sentimental. 

This dad said, “I kept it short … probably too short, in retrospect. I think he [his son] could’ve used more reassurance from me that he would be fine.”

The dad felt badly and wrote a long letter to his son, telling him how proud he and his wife were of him. 

“I felt better, and I think it helped him,” he said.

Donna Dean Mitchell of Elyria, OH, remained strong on the outside when she dropped off her only son, a few hours from home, at University of Toledo.

“It was hard to leave him, but I refused to let him see me cry,” she said. 

Afterward, Mitchell dealt with heartache by turning to God.

“I prayed a lot for my son, and I knew he would be all right,” she said.

With your child away at school, a sense of loss might be apparent in comments such as “It’s so quiet around here,” or “I can’t believe how much less I spend in groceries,” NYUCSC’s website stated.

Schneck said this time is the perfect opportunity to transition from 24/7 parenting to developing yourself:

“Explore. Look at opportunities for individual growth by:

• Refocusing on your marriage
• Exploring a new interest
• Brushing up on an activity set aside in the busyness of parenting”

While developing yourself, learn to become a tightrope walker.  Find the balance needed to "give your child enough space to … enjoy new freedom, stay in touch to lower your anxiety, and support your child without being overbearing," states NYUCSC’s website. 

A wise mother gave me a piece of calling advice before my firstborn left for college: Be the first to say good-bye.

My girls usually answer when my name appears on the caller ID because I do not ramble. If they are busy, I quickly say, “Good-bye,” and take no offense. If I need to talk about something important, and they are busy, I ask for a good time to call back.

Use other technologies, too, to stay in touch:

• Set up a Skype or Oovoo account for free video chats. Oovoo was selected in July 2011 as PC Magazine Editor’s Choice for the best video chat app, and video calls can be set up for up to six people.
• Text—but make sure your phone plan has generous texting limits. College students text more than they talk on their phones.

Respecting your child’s privacy and amount of communication he desires, is a practical way to begin relinquishing control. This allows you to start developing an adult-adult relationship with your child. 

Changes in family dynamics will occur and be noticeable upon your child’s “re-entry” during a weekend visit or holiday break.

Schneck says, “The most difficult part is the first return. The child has had an opportunity to experience independence and growth.  He is going to come home with new opinions on structure and rules followed in the home.”

Negotiation and flexibility are needed, said Schneck, to decide what expectations a child will follow when returning from college.

“It’s difficult to get down," said Schneck. "Communicate respectfully, realizing there will be new rules and an opportunity to establish new roles,” she said.

If all the changes make you feel blue, Schneck suggests networking.  “Talk with other moms. Keep in touch with your other children.  Know your child will be back," she said.

Mitchell's realistic, but positive outlook about her son helps her.

“I still miss him when he goes back to college … but I am so proud of the man he is becoming!” she said.