Seasonal Sales Swindles

In honor of National Girl Scout Week, a public service announcement...

As a parent, or through interaction with co-workers, most everyone has been forced to peddle or procure some type of “fundraising” dollar store reject. It’s bad enough one has to endure the torment of hauling your little one around to push this stuff to unsuspecting neighbors and relatives on a Saturday morning. But to be subjected to the belittlement of approaching fellow co-workers and neighbors and begging them to support your child’s extracurricular activities is tantamount to panhandling to supplement your kid’s college fund.

Several times a year, these seasonal sales swindlers descend upon us like a plague of locusts awakened from a thirteen-year underground snooze. You can’t approach the coffee room without seeing Girl Scout cookie signup sheets and “make it yourself” pizza order forms “benefiting the East Side Youth Center Pee Wee Football League.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against fundraising activities for children’s groups, such as sports team, Girl Scouts, etc. I, too, will sometime in the not-so-distant future be required to “help support” some type of social or athletic organization through my own attempts to broaden my son’s socio-pee-wee-catho-scoutness.

What I have an issue with are the aggressive and harassing guilt tactics used by the parents. Hang the thing outside your office and if people want to donate to the well-being of your child’s extracurricular activities they will. DO NOT directly confront your co-workers, shoving the sales sheet in front of their faces.

As a public service I am warning you to be on the alert for pesky co-workers and overly aggressive parents armed with seasonal fundraising sales forms, for useless and/or overpriced items such as wrapping paper, cookies, popcorn and worthless magazines.

If you are cornered and need a quick excuse to not spend your money supporting this idiot’s kid’s class trip to the local sewage treatment plant, use one of the following, believable excuses:

• I’m sorry, but my next door neighbors’ kids just hit me up for three boxes last evening.
• My wife/husband would kill me if I brought any more of those home.
• I’m against what that group stands for.
• That stuff is just crap.

Keep in mind this can also be a good way to get back at a pesky co-worker or annoying neighbor. If you would like to exact revenge on a few irritating acquaintances, simply suggest the names of people “who would really love to buy something.” Just add that phrase to the end of any of the above excuses and enjoy the fun.

Marc “Wiggy” Kovacs - Slinger of Sagacity to Combat the Seasonal Sales Swindler