Commuicating Effectively with your Preschooler: Listening and Reflecting

As parents, we spend a great deal of time talking to and talking with our children. Have you ever wondered then why some things you say seem to go “unheard” or wondered what your child actually “hears” when you were speaking? The challenge is that we, as parents, often speak with the assumption that our children understand, and only when we really look at how we are communicating and how our children are developing linguistically and cognitively can we attempt to bridge the communication gap. While many conversations between parent and child can lead to misunderstandings, becoming an effective child communicator is not only achievable - it can be fun!

To communicate so your child really hears you requires that you first model being a very active listener. This starts with pausing and engaging fully in what your child is saying. Eye contact, being at child level, and uninterrupted focus reiterate to your child that his or her words are important and valuable to you. If you can’t focus on your child’s words at the moment, even saying “I’m busy right this moment, so let’s talk in a couple minutes” reassure your child that what he or she has to say is significant to you.

Restate what your child is communicating, labeling the feelings he or she may have a hard time understanding. For example, when your child storms in yelling “He took my book! I had it first!,” you could respond with “You were reading the book and your brother took it. Now you are feeling angry and frustrated because you want it back.” This indicates that you fully heard and understood the intent of your child’s communication. Ask questions to gain more information about what happened and include questions about how your child is feeling about what he or she is telling. This helps your child focus on the objective situation and separately on his or her emotional reaction to it.

Once you are sure you have heard and understand what occurred, pause and look at the situation from your child’s perspective. What may seem trivial as an adult may feel immense to your child. Acknowledge that you understand how your child is feeling. Often simply acknowledging the feeling is all your child is seeking.

Young children, in particular, are prone to stretching the impact of situations. For example, you may hear your child say “I hate playing with him!” While the tendency is to immediately contradict such an over-reaching statement, pause and acknowledge your child’s feelings with a question. For example, you may ask “What is the worst part about playing with your brother?” This often will lead to an open discussion where your child comes to realize the scale of the issue at hand. Good teachers allow children to explain themselves first without jumping to judgment even when the child may be wrong, and this works just as effectively at home. Often it is with this opportunity that children come to own their feelings, refocus the situation, and reach their own proactive solution. This skill sets the foundation for subsequent effective communication skills, as we will discuss in further detail next month.

Lauren Starnes, PhD- Director of Early Childhood Education

Chesterbrook Academy Royersford is part of Nobel Learning Communities, Inc., a national network of more than 180 nonsectarian private schools, including preschools, elementary schools and middle schools in 15 states across the nation. Chesterbrook Academy provides high quality private education, with small class sizes, caring and skilled teachers and attention to individual learning styles. They also offer before- and after-school care and the Camp Zone® summer program. Chesterbrook Academy in Royersford, Pa.  is a part of Nobel Learning Communities, Inc.   Please visit our website Royersford.ChesterbrookAcademy.com  for more information about our school and how you can enroll your child today.