I'm a Mom- When Did That Happen?

I've had the title mom for almost ten years. It is an honor. A true honor. Some days it’s a blessing and some a curse. Bitter and sweet. The ying and the yang, This email was sent in a forward and worth repeating. I have posted some of the more relevant lessons:

Lesson 3

 A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

 Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

 Lesson 4

 Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

 Lesson 5

 Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

 Time allowed for this - all morning.

 Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't always look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

               Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

 Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).

If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

___________________

That's a great email. It is comparable to the truth but very worth it. Recently, I have recognized a lot of untouched talent that surfaced as a mom verses my pre-mom years. For example, I can parallel park a mini van. I can wake up on a Sunday morning before 8 am. I can also heal the scariest of boo boo's with a kiss, a hug and a Band-Aid.

With these talents in mind, I have put together a list which reminds me of comedian Jeff Foxworthy's redneck dictionary.

You know you are a mom when:

You have more artwork on your refrigerator than your walls.

When you have searched the house for your child's “favorite toy” like your life depended on it.

When chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese are the main courses.

You do not even bother to change your clothes even if there is a stain on them.

You realize you need a vacation while you are actually taking a vacation.

When you ask where “the potty is" and remember with you are with your adult friends.

When binky, pooh-pooh and "baby talk" become part of your everyday vocab.

When Radio Disney keeps you up to date on current trends.

Entertainment consists of a yellow sponge or dancing dinosaur.

When you become the equivalent of a taxi cab driver without the fee.

You find yourself referring to life events as "BC"--- "Before Children".

You have used your shirt as “the tissue."

You run out to the store and realize you are still wearing your slippers.

And my latest realization, when you get teary eyed at the sight of a toothless child who is smiling at you with chocolate all over their face because you think they are "just so beautiful".

We all have these wonderful superhero-mom talents and more. What are your talents? Share them below!