Heyl: Pennsylvania Fireworks Law A Total Dud

It’s hard to truly have a blast on Independence Day when you’re restricted from buying most high-performance fireworks.

Unfortunately, all Pennsylvanians find themselves in that position thanks to the type of government oppression that led to the day we’re about to celebrate. Don’t blow up when you hear this, but folks from neighboring states can buy anything they want at a Pennsylvania fireworks retailer and you can’t.

People from Ohio, West, Virginia, Maryland, New York and New Jersey can waltz into any Phantom Fireworks location and load their shopping carts with any type of device they want. Even Crossettes, which even the most casual fireworks enthusiast knows splits into four pieces that fly off symmetrically, making a cross. You have to admit that’s cool.

After showing identification, they can pay for the fireworks and take them back to their home state - even if those cool Crossettes are illegal there. (New Jersey, for example, doesn’t allow consumer fireworks of any kind, although the state traditionally has permitted frequent gangland slayings in Italian restaurants.)

If you tried the same thing as your out-of-state counterparts, you’d get as far as showing the cashier your Pennsylvania driver’s license. At that point the cashier would snicker, take away your Crossettes and say, “Sorry, these are for grown-ups. If you want something a little less dangerous, the kiddie section is over there.”

Under a peculiar state law adopted in 2004, the only items Pennsylvania residents can purchase are what is defined as “ground and hand-held sparkling devices and novelties.” Who made that definition? The American Pyrotechnics Association, an organization that for obvious reasons never holds its annual conferences twice in the same city.

In other words, you can only buy items typically bought for kids -- sparklers, crackling balls, party poppers and fiery frogs, whose crackling bright eyes and glowing mouth would make them ideal monsters in one of Stephen King’s more poorly conceived novels.

The only way for you to purchase the potent grown-up fireworks is if someone locates for you the obscure fireworks permit that allows it. But printing it is only half the battle. You then need to convince one of your local municipality’s elected officials to sign the thing, which they probably won’t do because of perceived liability issues.

Pennsylvania is a state that loves quirky legislation, and the fireworks law hardly is its oddest.
The Senate last week just approved a bill that would let teachers carry guns in schools. If it eventually becomes law, Mr. Perkins potentially will be able to whip out his Glock in class to reinforce the idea that perhaps students should take a shot at paying attention while he’s trying to teach them algebra.

Yet you still won’t be able to shoot off most fireworks in your backyard.

A certain revered document that will be mentioned often Tuesday puts forth the proposition that all men are created equal. Pennsylvania’s ridiculous fireworks law proves that not to be the case.

Until we all have the freedom to buy Crossettes equally, are any of us truly free?

Eric Heyl is Patch's Pittsburgh field editor. Reach him at 412-334-4033 or Eric.Heyl@Patch.Com.

Photo by Scott via Creative Commons.