I'm Sorry, but.....

If you ask my children about the above phrase, they are likely to launch in to an explanation about why I do not accept that from them.  They have heard me enough times, and I can only imagine how well they could spout out my words, probably in the exact tone of voice and with the same facial expressions!

Now I am going to share with you why that is not acceptable to me. Oh, and in case you are wondering, one of the youth in my program just said those exact words to me. THAT is why I need to say this now.

I am a strong believer in apologizing for transgressions. When I mess up (which is often) I apologize. I say I am sorry and I usually try to do whatever it takes to undo any damage I have done.

When someone shares bad news with me, I also say, "I am sorry." I certainly don't mean that I am taking responsibility for their misfortune, however. I am simply stating that I am sorry they are having a difficult time.

I do not think that apologies should be easy, nor should I say them simply to end a conversation. Empty apologies are better off never said. So, when someone says, "I'm sorry but....." they are giving an empty apology.

Basically, adding "but" to an apology voids the apology all together. Let me show you how.

"I'm sorry I broke that vase."

"I'm sorry I broke that vase, but you had it on an unsteady table!"

(Okay, so I said I'm sorry, but I am shifting the blame for the broken vase on you.)

"I'm sorry I forgot your birthday."

"I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, but I had a lot of things to do that day."

(I said I am sorry but what I really meant was you are ridiculous for thinking your birthday is one of my priorities.)

"I'm sorry I swore."

"I'm sorry I swore, but I was frustrated by the rules."

(I'm actually only sorry you heard me and called me on it, because I think it is okay to swear.)

"I'm sorry I left my stuff all over the living room."

"I'm sorry I left my stuff all over the living room, but I was tired and needed to go to bed."

(I am sorry my stuff bothers you, but my sleep is more important than your inconvenience.)

Can you see a pattern? When an apology is followed by an explanation, then the apology is no longer worth anything. Yes, it is human nature to do whatever we need to so that we don't accept blame or feel bad for our actions. That is the easy, lazy way out and it happens to be quite crappy.

So, if you are sorry for doing something, please just say so. Don't qualify it, reason why it was not so bad, explain why your actions were needed or anything else.

Just say, "I'm sorry."

Those two words are worth so much more standing alone.

Thoughts? Opinions?