Trust: Finding friends worth hanging on to

One of the easiest things children—especially young children—do is trust other people. The friendly woman across the street. The crossing guard who helps them after school. The bus driver. Other kids.

On the one hand, the ability to trust is invaluable. It’s hard to live from day to day when you suspect everyone’s motives. In this way, children have an advantage over adults who have become slightly jaded by life. We know about “stranger danger” and repeat it relentlessly to kids. We want them to be safe.

This ability to trust also helps kids make friends. Or people they think are friends. We ask our friends to help us, keep secrets, share their time, and fufill their promises. Because kids want friends, they jump to trust.

But just as with adults, that trust is all too frequently betrayed. Secrets get told, promises aren’t kept. And kids wind up feeling hurt.

So how do we help kids figure out who can be trusted and who can’t? Here are a few simple tips.

1. What is friendship? Ask your child what they think of when they picture a friend. Is this person fun to be with? Does she encourage you? Are they trustworthy or helpful? Make a list of the words you come up with and use them to create a personalized definition of friendship.

2. Measure up. Now, ask your child to apply these words to their closest friends. How well do these “top friends” measure up to the words? If the people they spend the most time with doesn’t display any of these traits, that could be a problem.

3. Determine the level of toxicity. How does your child feel after spending time with her top friends? Does she find the time positive? Does she leave them feeling valued and happy? Or frustrated and down on herself? If your child consistently feels down on herself after being with her friends, it may be a toxic relationship that is damaging her physical and mental well-being.

4. Talk it out. If one of these “top friends” is identified as being toxic, your child still may want to salvage the friendship. Encourage him to talk kindly, but honestly, with his friend. Let the friend know your child finds the behavior inappropriate and undesirable. “I like being friends with you, but it makes me feel bad. I know you don’t like everyone and you don’t have to, but I really want you to stop saying mean things around me.”

5. Let it go. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the other person won’t change her behavior. In these cases, teach your child that it’s okay to let go and cut off the friendship. When the relationship becomes too toxic, it’s healthier for everybody to go their separate ways and let the friendship fall by the wayside.

By using these tips, you can teach your kids to find the friends who are truly trustworthy and who will help lift them up. And those are friends worth keeping.

Oakmont Martial Arts licensed by the American Taekwondo Association, the premier North American organization dedicated to the martial arts discipline of taekwondo. They offer training for young children (Tiny Tigers, 3-5), youth (6-13), teens and adults, as well as adult fitness classes. Visit www.OakmontMartialArts.com or their Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ataOakmont) for more information, or call 412-826-8004 to schedule an introductory lesson.

A software technical writer by day, Mary Sutton is the mother of two teens and has been making her living with words for over ten years. She is the author of the Hero’s Sword middle-grade fantasy series, writing as M.E. Sutton, and The Laurel Highlands Mysteries police-procedural series, writing as Liz Milliron. Visit her online at www.marysuttonauthor.com.