Happy with your new speed humps?

HAPPY WITH YOUR NEW SPEED HUMPS?

Here are some questions we thought you’d want the answers to. You may want to have the humps removed!

Fire at your house? Well, the fire truck will eventually arrive after it makes a complete stop at each hump. Time lost at each hump will be 15 seconds. Sit tight, help will arrive — later.

Relative having a heart attack or a stroke? The ambulance will be there (after traversing the humps twice) — later.

Does your youngster have skates, a skateboard or a bicycle? Speed humps attract children into the street and into traffic. It’s fun to jump those humps! The ambulance will be there — later!

Has snow removal been a problem? If it hasn’t, it probably will be.

Is your house attractive? How will it look with two of those 2 1/2-feet-square “Speed Hump — 20 mph” signs out in front? And those foot-wide zebra stripes on the hump? Lovely! Or maybe they won’t be in front of YOUR house. Do you feel lucky?

What do you think will happen to the suspension and exhaust systems on your nice car at normal, legal speeds when you cross those humps at least twice a day? Ouch! It’s hard on the brakes, too. And what about your wallet? Ouch!

Some vehicles, like delivery trucks and maybe your own SUV, almost have to stop at speed humps. What happens when vehicles unexpectedly stop in traffic? Back to the repair shop!

Are speed humps good for the environment? No, the unnecessary slowing and accelerating they cause results in wasted fuel and increased air pollution. Humps can cause noise pollution, too, because some drivers who aren’t happy with them will lean on the horn button.

Any way you look at them, humps are a major nuisance, and drivers may indeed avoid them so that traffic increases on neighboring streets. In any case, even if you’re the only one left driving on your street, you’ll have the pleasure of bounding over those humps every day, again and again and again.

Next to last question: Who’s paying the bill for installing or removing the bumps? (Hint: It’s not the county.) You are! Ouch!

Have you thought about removing the humps? See you at the next township meeting!

Tom McCarey