Beware the Four Letter Word: Free

When I hear or see the word “free,” I become tingly all over, but, increasingly today, ecstasy has given way to skepticism, wariness and, yes - I admit it - cynicism.

You see “free” no longer seems to mean free.

Just to make sure the word hadn’t undergone a definition shift in recent years while I wasn’t looking, I consulted the newest Webster’s dictionary. There it was – still the same unequivocal definition: “no charge.” Can’t get much more specific or simpler than that.

When I watch TV, I hear commercials for scores of products, but the new rage these days is upselling. Annoying pitchmen, such as the late Billy Mays, would tell us that not only can we have one of these incredible miracle-working products for $9.95, but we can have another “absolutely free.” Then, after a slight pause, they say: “Pay only shipping and handling.”   

The shipping and handling on a $9.95 product usually means another $6, so the second item isn’t really “free.” It is about $6.

I don’t get it. Why are these “as seen on TV” products allowed to perpetuate these untruths? When the government seems intent on cracking down on fraudulent claims and consumer scams, these postage-and-handling scams are pervasive. What is even more disturbing, however, is that they are perfectly legal, according to representatives of several consumer groups.

Why not require this simple protection for us consumers: Telemarketers cannot claim a product is free if there is a postage-and-handling add-on cost. If there is, it must be clearly stated in the infomercial or ad. I mean it’s not as if the product gains or loses weight daily. There is no reason why the fixed amount of postage and handling can’t be specifically noted.

I also take issue with some offers. "Buy one, get one free," says the coupon. You don’t really get one free, because you have to buy one first, and that one isn’t free. So why not make a simple word change: "Buy one, get one." In fact, there is a ready-made acronym – BOGO. Now, that’s truth in advertising.

Same for coffee clubs – “buy seven, get the eighth FREE,” says the Weis Markets coffee club card. To my way of thinking, the eighth cup is not free if I have to buy the first seven.

 Vista, a printing company in New England, sends me periodic offers with headers such as “Bruce, today is your lucky day – everything is free.” Vista says I could buy 140 address labels “free.”

So why did I wind up having my credit card charged $3.31 if they were “free”? I did the deal, because $3.31 (for postage and handling) is not a bad price for these address labels. Still, I felt I was being taken advantage of after seeing that word “free” in big, bold type. When the package came, the postage was less than 50 cents, so the other $2.81 apparently went for handling, or, more likely, to Vista’s bottom line.

Companies which use misleading tactics to sell their products do a disservice to us consumers. We need to be constantly vigilant, especially when we see that four-letter “f” word - free. 

(Bruce Frassinelli of Schnecksville is an adjunct instructor at Lehigh Carbon Community College.)