'Colombiana' Drips With Melodrama

Ever wonder what those telenovelas are all about? You know, those melodramatic, guilty pleasures that abuelas everywhere set their schedules around? Well, you’re in luck, folks. Step right up for “Colombiana,” a Spanish soap opera come to life on the big screen.

And just like all those telenovelas on Telemundo and Univision, it has flashes of depth, but (not so) deep down, it’s an overwrought, superficial mess.

Lights up on a seedy Colombian town. Little Cataleya, wide-eyed and innocent, is sitting at her kitchen table. It’s just another day. Or is it? ::Cue dramatic guitar music:: Her father rushes in, back from a meeting with a powerful man. He knows it’s gone wrong. Terribly, terribly wrong.

He presses a paper into her palm. If anything should happen, he says, go to this address. He then takes a microchip from his pocket and tucks it into her pocket. It’s her ticket to freedom, he says. And don’t forget the necklace, he says, as he takes it off his neck and places it on hers. A family heirloom. Her namesake. A cataleya orchid. It will keep you safe, he says.

“I love you,” he whispers ::The music swells:: Oh no! They’ve come for him! It’s time. He and his wife, Cataleya’s mother, grab their assault rifles and go down fighting. After a close encounter with her parents’ murderers, the little girl escapes to Chicago – that’s right, Colombia to Chicago, it ain’t no thang – and tells her uncle, “I want to be a killer.” Gasp. ::More dramatic music::

If you can read that synopsis and get excited, good for you. You’ll love this histrionic eye-roller, masquerading as an action flick. If not, don’t bother. The plot is weak, at best, and despite my desire to love on Zoe Saldana – does anyone else remember her as the prima donna from “Center Stage”? – I just can’t. The forlorn looks and “sexy/mysterious” allure may be enough for her onscreen gentleman friend, Danny (played by Michael Vartan, of “Alias,”) but I think it’s just lazy writing. 

As is the title “Colombiana.” That’s not even her nickname! What gives, writers? You can't bother to come up with something compelling, so you go with a blanket nationality? It’s like naming “Cool Runnings” “Jamaican.” LAME.

Although there was one prolonged fight scene involving a towel and a tooth brush. That was kinda fun ...

Nah. Forget it. It's definitely not worth the hours of your life that you'll never get back. Save yourselves.