DIY? LOL!

We live in a house that's over 100 years old. As such, there seems to be a dizzying array of things that need to be fixed. Over the years, Matt has done a ton of home improvement himself.

DIY (do-it yourself) projects are a double-edged sword. It's fulfilling to work on something and be proud of both the finished product and the fact that you've done it yourself. The other edge of that sword, however, is not knowing what in the world you're doing. I, of course, fall into the latter category.

I love to watch HSBG or the DIY Channel, and have deluded myself into thinking I could, or should, attempt some of the projects. I've done a few, though – very, very small ones. Matt's no dummy; he knows what I'm capable of when I don't know what I'm doing.

One of the bathrooms in the house is a continual work in progress. The one thing we haven't changed out is the sink or the bathtub. Matt installed a new tub surround, re-did the vanity and painted the walls, but we still haven't gotten around to them.

I decided to go online and find out what I could do that would detract from the horrible gold tub and sink, at least until Matt could replace them.

I researched bathroom remodeling and read that bathrooms can be re-done on almost any budget. I found out that a mid-level remodel will run me about $25,000 if it's done well. A cheap remodel will "only" cost between $8,000 to $10,000.

My budget of $1,000 falls under the "you've got to be kidding me, please leave the store" category. But, I figured there was something I could do with my paltry budget.

The experts shared many tricks of the trades and I was delighted that there were so many. One of their tips was to use paint to make a small bathroom look bigger.

That's got to be some magic paint, since I'm pretty sure painting the walls a sunny yellow won't take away from the fact that you can brush your teeth while using the toilet.  I'm no expert, I could be wrong.

Another trick of the trade is to change out old fixtures, such as faucets. Something as "inexpensive" as that can make all the difference, the website crowed. Off I went to Lowe's, where I was stunned at the massive variety of faucets.

Then I saw the most beautiful spigot I'd ever seen, Kohler's antique oil rubbed bronze faucet from its "French Countryside" line. To make it even more exciting, there was a big "sale" sign above it. It was too good to be true.

No, really, it was too good to be true.

The first problem was that it was designed for kitchen use. I guess I should have figured that a faucet that impressive was never meant for a bathroom, but I'm a novice at plumbing fixtures. Still, I could imagine the fixture that was more like a work of art installed on my vanity. If that couldn't update the look of my little bathroom, nothing could.

I reached up and turned the price tag around to reveal how much my little Picasso was going to cost, and stared at it, dumbstruck. There must be some type of hidden treasure in that faucet, as it was on sale for only $1,295. For that price tag, it had better clean my bathroom and brush my teeth for me. I gave up and went home.

Back online I went, where I read that porcelain can be painted over. I was wrong before; paint really must be magic when it comes to bathroom remodeling. I went out and bought the paint and the other supplies I'd need.

The first order of business was to completely clean the porcelain. No remaining soap film, dirt or grime, or even cleanser should be left on the surface. I got a scrub brush and used about an entire bottle of Comet. Then I began the rinsing process.

However, it seemed that no matter how many times I rinsed, there always seemed to be a bit of grit from the cleanser left in some remote location of the tub. I ran the shower for almost five minutes and when that didn't work, I got a bucket and sloshed water all over the it.

Unfortunately, when one is flinging water, it can get all over the place, which it did. I had created a small pond. I got to work cleaning the floor and when I was done, I noticed a smudge on the newly-painted wall. I got a sponge and went to work cleaning the spot. After I cleaned that, I noticed that there was some soap scum in the soap dish and scrubbed it out. Then I saw a few streaks on the mirror, retrieved the Windex and went to work on that.

A few hours later, my bathroom was spotless and I was exhausted. I wasn't able to give up on the tub, though. I was back to removing grit.

I figured that Clorox would be good for getting rid of any unnoticed soap film, and ammonia would probably dissolve the leftover grit. In one step, I figured, I'd solved my clean tub dilemma. I was proud of my innovative thinking.

I got my bucket and began to add the Clorox and ammonia, when all of a sudden the room began to fill with the most horrible smell and my eyes began to tear up. I started to cough and almost passed out.

Turns out, you're never supposed to mix those two cleaning products. I'd mixed up a homemade batch of chorine gas, which could have landed me in the emergency room. Had the ratio of ammonia to bleach been slightly different, I would have manufactured something called "hydrazine"; which is an explosive rocket fuel.

Swell, in just a few short weeks, I'd almost blown the house up twice. Once with a dangerous gas and another time with the power of a butter knife. It was time to throw in the towel.

I've given up my efforts to disguise the color of my sink and tub. Instead, I've embraced them. I've taken to telling people that it was really hard to find a "retro" tub and sink. I'm not sure if anyone's buying it, but that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I know that we'll get around to replacing them, but there are other things that require our attention. I'm sure the day will come when we finally buy new bathroom fixtures. Hopefully, by then, we won't need another coat of paint, a new toilet, flooring, curtains, light fixtures, or whatever else might look old in comparison.

More important, however, is that I don't stumble upon another household product or object that, when in my hands, inadvertently becomes flammable rocket fuel, dangerous gas, or an explosive device.

I can hope, can't I?